Last posts on Family

Your Stress is our stress, too...

2007-06-11T07:05:00+02:00

I've read your blog.
Am glad to notice that we still have an important place in your heart. Though our words may have hurt you, you did it too, with your own. Not that I am trying to push the blame on you, but at times, you don't think, you act on how you felt. You gave in to your emotions and let them run over your brain and control your body without consiously knowing so.
Despite everything, I am really contended to know that you are aware of your own actions and thoughts, ESPECIALLY those that will harm yourself and get us all hurt by it. Please always remember that, you are not alone. You tend to take great likings to place yourself in your own world, a world which you think that you are at disadvantage. A world that you think that you are a victim of 'lost attentions/affections'. A world that you think that you lost all freedom, and all will to live on....
But you are not. That is just an illusion, a land of escapade which you drew yourself in. Amidst everything else that is revolving around you, you went in and out of that place. Mind you, however cruel it is to be living in REALITY, you are still going to live through it.
You have come thus far, but there's still a long long way ahead. Everyone else may come and go. We, unlike any others, are here to stay. The reason, I'm sure you know.
I would say that at this stage of your life, your studies are of utmost important. I am not saying that you have done nothing or attempted nothing at all in maintaining where you were. However, I think that you need to spend some time to re-prioritise your time and your priorities at this time of the year. It is just 6 more months before you move on to another level, another part of your life. You maybe able to join in a tertiary program, you may have to serve the nation. I, for one, would prefer that you fight for the opportunity to pursue your studies as it may be harder after a break of 2.5years if you are to serve the nation... you know what I mean, and you have seen it before, how I managed work, family and studies all at the same time. Or perhaps, you didn't notice that it was hard for me, too?

I know that you felt like the whole world weigh down on you, things don't work out, all these relationships came up with problems one after another... How about thinking of someone else who is much worse than you? There's always this saying that there is someone who is better than you (人外有人,天外有天), there is also someone who is much worse! No rush to solve ALL problems at once, take it one by one. Slowly, coz your efforts in resolving the issues will show.

Sacrifices hurts. But regrets cuts deeper. It is better to make some sacrifices now than to have regrets eating you away later. Think things through. I hate to say this but you do have to decide and make some sacrifices to ensure that you pave your own path as you set your foundation for your own future. We have gone through these many times before, you know what you want and what you need. It is fine to be selfish at times, as long as you are not doing it at the expense of others. You can always talk to us, especially mum. It may not seem obivous to you, but to me, she knows very little of what you are going through at this stage of life. You have not shared much with her. Trust me, she is a good advisor, though the way she's gonna say it may hurt you, but you must always remember that she is just trying to point out the cold hard facts that you may have wished to not acknowledge.

We have talked to her and even suggested to her to not delve into your BGR, hope it helps. But I hope that what I have commented to you previously on that issue is not forgotten.

Do check your gmail sometime... I think I will not post it up here for all to read as we go forward... I do have to watch what I say afterall... it's a public space!!

Kippur

2006-10-03T07:21:34+02:00

"What is this day is all about?" I'm asking myself in my mind as we sit to have dinner before the fasting begins, the host, is standing in the kitchen arranging chicken and vegetables and an amazing rizzoto on large, beautiful plates. I'm thinking back on how teachers in school always told up to ask forgiveness from the other kids before Yom Kippur, and how a few years ago, going on this weird spiritual quest and trying to find myself in the between Buddhism, Judaism and random New age books, I actually called some people from my past and ask their forgiveness and the way they all reacted like I was a little bit crazy, which maybe, I was.And I'm thinking of how, had I been to Israel now, I would probably walk across the city of Tel Aviv from my apartment to my sister's to watch some movies on DVD, crossing streets packed with young people sitting in Rotchild avenue or rollerblading on King George St. and the streets would all be quite from cars and bars and stores and I wouldn't even have to think what this holiday means to me cause it would just be there, like this big bolder of quietness, set in the beginning of the year and dividing it, in it's silent dramatic way into two parts - a before and an after.We sit around the table, and we talk, we talk about Israel and racism and differences between places. we talk about the differences between ideas and action, and he say "countries are like people, there is intention and there is action, and a lot of times, they don't overlap, and countries, like people, are measured by how they act, not what ideals they have". And I think about that for a bit, and suddenly, this whole day of entombment, the scary idea of an all knowing god who sits in the sky and write down all my sins and judge me for them, seem extremely humane. And I think how though people are not supposed to do anything bad, not to hurt one another or steal or lie or fight, the notion of forgiveness is still there. and with it the knowledge of the imperfection, of more hurt and lies and fight, I'll have next year. How in fact, though this day is supposed to make me think of the year that had passed, it actually meant to make me look on the year to come, to decide what I choose to take with me into it, to decide where I want to do better, what I choose to keep the same, who I want to be, what I want to become.Over amazing lemon pie and maringue and and tiny chocolate and butter cup cakes, the question of forgiveness comes again "So who do you need to say you are sorry to?" someone asks, and this question looks so irrelevant for me all of a sudden, like this is such a small part of it all that somehow got inflated by parents and elementary school teacher who just couldn't be bothered with explaining the meaning of contemplation to a 6 year old. We all sit there, for a few moment and think, and then someone else say "nobody, I don't think I wronged anybody this year". I'm thinking back on the whole year, I'm thinking about work and how I used to say bad things about people behind their backs, but it feels very small, I'm thinking about how every week I either forget or just don''t want to give my grandparents a call even though I know it'll make them happy. It's all so small and petty. I don't want this guilt trip. Then I'm thinking about my parents, about the fact that they didn't react to my wedding invitation, to the fact that I have not spoken to them or heard for them in 2 months. And I want to phrase and apology in my mind. I start. "Mom and dad, I'm sorry..." and then I stop, sorry for what? "Sorry for not being the daughter you expected me to be", "Sorry for not caving in to your demand to remove my blog and flickr page off the net just so you'll feel like you still have control over my life", "Sorry for being me", "sorry for growing up" fuck that - I think, I don't need to apologize for anything, they should be the one apologizing to me for dumping me in a time in my life that I really needed them, for not being able to except me, for making conditions over what is supposed to be the one relationship in my life in which I'm supposed to receive unconditional love.I'm thinking on those ads that make my heart twist every time I see them at entrance to the subway, of a black woman kissing a baby and the title say "would you stop loving her if you knew she was gay" and how every time I see them I'm thinking whether it was easier for my parents to except gayness then a blog and some naked pictures, and I'm thinking of how, when I read the text following that ad and how it shocking the idea of parents stop loving their children is, or just shutting them out. And then, only after I read the entire text I remember that this is my current situation in life, and how it doesn't make me as lonely as I thought it would be, not as shut out as I thought it would be, just sort of anchorless, drifting.The next day, it's Yom Kippur, and I get to talk to my sister on messenger then on the phone, she's so busy with work lately and between the different time zones, I don't get to talk to her as much as I want to. She's telling me that my sister is in the hospital again, I knew she was in day hospital care for the past several weeks, that she hasn't been feeling well, that she's depressed and that she sleeps all the time, that she no longer lives in her apartment in Tel-Aviv, that she's practically moved back home. Not talking to my parents and not hearing from my little sister I only know parts of the truth, half rumors and half stories and the interpretations that my middle sister gives to the interpretations that my mother gives to the interpretation that my baby sister gives to her condition and emotions.She's in closed ward and maybe suicide watch at the moment, she hasn't been to the regular hospital, so I'm not quite sure if she tried to hurt herself or just made threats. It's a horrible place, my mother tells my middle sister, and I'm thinking - it probably is, but then again hospitals, even mental ones, aren't supposed to be fun or beautiful, they aren't supposed to make a patient feel good or calm or relaxed, it's supposed to get patients to get better, not to feel better. I'm trying to decide if my sister's attempt was serious or a cry for help, and if it was a cry for help, was it really a cry for help or just a cry for attention. I'm trying to decide if she's at the hospital in a real attempt at healing and recovery or if this is another stage in her illness in which she's trying to get all the family wrapped around her in help and attention and unconditional love. I'm thinking if it matters, and if me knowing the answers to those questions would help her in any way. I don't think so.

What's Happening?!

2006-09-15T15:05:00+02:00

There are many things going on in my life right now. At work, we are preparing for the Fall Storytime. That means that we are preparing 11 themed programs which include books to read, a craft and some activity for the children ages 3-5. We are in the sign-up stage and it looks like we will have quite a few children in all 4 classes. We have company. Our friend from Canada is visiting for @2 weeks. That means that as often as possible we need to take him to see the sights. Since he has been here often, I am running out of sights! I guess he and I will go to an Apple Festival in a sort-of near town this weekend. I have planned to have some time off and it would be nice if my husband could have some time off too, but we just never know what his work schedule will be. Yesterday my husband took our friend a couple places and then came home and made home made bread and pizza. That was the first time my husband has had a chance to use the baking stone I recently purchased and it was great! We received a letter from the friendly neighborhood County Auditor saying they are getting ready to raise our taxes…I mean re-appraise our property. My son says he can get them to lower the appraisal. (He appraises homes for a living) So, I called them this morning and set up an appointment to see them. My son will go with me and we will see what can be done. The last time they re-appraised our place they doubled the taxes. I don’t mind paying my fair share, but that was just crazy!The children are leaving. Probably for just a month or two. My daughter-in-law needs to help her mom get ready to sell their old homestead. They lived in it for 50 years and my son says they never threw anything away! Well, I hope he is exaggerating, because it will take a lot longer than 2 months if that is the case. I am missing them already. They leave at the last of this month. You would think after 2 years of having 5 extra people in my house I would be glad to see them go, but I am not. I pray that all will go well with everything concerning this and they will return secure knowing they have done what needed to be done for my daughter-in-law’s mom. I pray also that her (my daughter-in-law’s mom’s) health continues to improve so that she can function on her own and be at peace even without her mate of over 50 years.

You Really Can’t Pick Your Family

2006-09-13T15:30:00+02:00

You Really Can’t Pick Your FamilyLast week my Aunt celebrated her 82nd birthday. She is/was my mom’s sister. (My mom is deceased). For the biggest part of my life, I did not know my aunt very well. My mom and she didn’t get along too well, and she lived in a town @ 50 miles further into Ohio than my grandmother; so when we drove from Michigan for a weekend we just didn’t go the extra miles very often. I don’t really know that my mom and her were ever close. They used to talked about all the mischief they got into as kids, but never seemed to have much in common. My grandmother was divorced when my mom and aunt were very young. My grandmother had to work so the girls were sort-of farmed out. My mom went with her mom’s brother most of the time and my aunt stayed with her paternal grandmother.Supposedly the paternal grandmother did not like my mom (or at least that is what my mom thought) and when both girls stayed there once my mom talked my aunt into hitch hiking back home! It was probably 20 miles or so and it was probably the late 1920’s or early 1930’s…a truly different time. A man picked them up and dropped them off at their door…I don’t know what kind of a story they told him, but he was a good person, that is for sure! I do know that my mom and my aunt had a huge falling out when I was quite young and we did not see my aunt for a long time. I’m not sure what ended the war, but I do remember when my aunt got married the last time (#3 I think) my mom and her were speaking again. When my dad died and my mom moved to Ohio she started taking my grandma to see my aunt about once a month. They would go to lunch and usually shopping. They seemed to get along pretty well then. When I came to Ohio, I would go with mom and grandma to see my aunt. Then, after my mom died, I started taking my grandma to see my aunt on a regular basis. I enjoyed my aunt’s company. When my grandma went into a nursing home, I made sure it was close to my aunt and we went to see grandma together all the time. We became pretty close. I became aware that she really had no one else to depend on for many things. She doesn’t drive. Now, where she lives there is a really good taxi service for the elderly and she takes advantage of that a lot. She walks a lot too. But when she gets sick and once she ended up in the hospital she really needed me. She has no children she can depend on, so I guess it is only natural that her needs should be met by me as much as possible.She is still very independent. She works 3-4 days a week. And maintains her own home and takes care of her kitty “Mittens”. My husband has pitched in often. He takes her to an eye Dr. that is out of town when I have to work and they usually go to lunch together and have a fine time. She is a lot of fun. She has always been good to my children and grandchildren. She remembers their birthdays and we always exchange gifts at Christmas. I was really happy that both my sons and their family made themselves available to have a family gathering for her birthday. We went to a Chinese Buffet and she really likes eating there and so do the kids! We had a great time eating and laughing and just visiting with each other. Sometimes I think I have the best family in the world!

The pat of approval

2006-09-02T00:40:00+02:00

Well, unless you’ve been living under a rock, or you don’t read “…and then there was Pickle” or “Urban Drool” you know that Pickle’s Papa got 2 jobs! Of course, then the problem was that Gramma O was out of town for the week and Pickle needed someone to watch her while both Papa and Mama were earning a living. So, guess who got the call? You guessed it! Me…Pickle’s Gramma M! I had to go there the night before because my loving son would have had heart failure had I gotten stuck in traffic and was only 15 minutes early instead of my normal 30! ( If you have read his blog, you already know he is just a little particular on certain subjects.) Over the years, I have just learned to either agree with him or we have agreed to disagree and let it go at that. But now to entrusted with his most prized possession; the Pickle, I was honored that he and Pickle’s Mama asked me.Pickle and I spent the most of the morning getting to know the routine. She let me know when I did something she didn’t want and I just kept trying until I found out what she wanted. Which means she cried until I carried her bouncing as I walked through the living room, Kitchen and hallway. She does not like to stop unless she wants to look out the door to the back yard and then it is only interesting if the dogs are out there doing something! Finally after a bit of breakfast a failed bottle attempt and much walking, she dropped off to sleep for about 45 minutes and it was like a different child woke up! She smiled she played, she drank the whole bottle, she sat in the exersaucer and laughed at the TV. We had a great time!When her mom and dad came home we had a sumptuous dinner and when I was ready to leave, she patted me on my face and smiled…I guess I met with her approval. I was asked for a return engagement whenever my schedule allows. I will be back!

If you live long enough...you get old!

2006-08-30T15:30:00+02:00

This past Sunday evening, my elder daughter-in-law's parents both had medical emergencies. They are both in the hospital in serious condition. Her mom faces open-heart surgery and her dad is in a drug-induced coma because of a collapsed lung.My daughter-in-law is the youngest in her family. She is the only one of the three (living) children with school age children. The reality is that her parents may never be able to take care of themselves or each other again. They own an old farmhouse with bathing and sleeping facilities on the second floor. Unless and until my daughter-in-law and the rest of the family put an addition on the house, they will not be able to stay there. So, someone has to take responsibility for the day-to-day care of not just one parent, but two at the same time. (This is believing that both of them will come out of this whole thing alive.) My daughter-in-law's older brother has volunteered to take his parents into his home until the addition is done and that is a wonderful thing! I know how it is to take the responsibility for ones parents. I am an only child. I wonder if my daughter-in-law 's brother and his wife really know what they are in for. I had my grandmother in my home for 5 years. It is not fun. My grandchildren are clearly upset. They know as much as we can tell them without scaring them. If they ask questions, we answer as honestly as possible and on the level of their understanding. My parents gave me a break and did not both end up in the hospital at the same time and I am not sure I could cope as well as my daughter-in-law has, but I am afraid the hard part is yet to come. This has to be updated. My daughter-in-law’s father passed away. Literally hundreds of friends came to see this well-liked man off and encourage his family. His elder son has assumed a lot of the responsibility for his mother’s care. She is getting through all of this remarkably well. Her health issues are being handled by therapy and regular nurse visits. She is gaining her humor and health back. She does not want to live in the home that she made for fifty years with the man she loved…and continues to love. My daughter-in-law and her brothers will soon have the duty of taking their mom into the house and sort things out. This will be a huge and heart-wrenching job.This leads me to reflect on my own circumstance.We are children until our parents are gone, but as we grow older unless they die we have to assume the responsibility for their welfare. When our parents were raising us they assumed the responsibility for us. Now we are having to (at least in this case) assume the responsibility for the parents involved but keep in mind how what we do will affect our children.I am a parent, and I know that none of us as parents ever want to become a burden to our children. But honestly, if we live we will more than likely do just that! I am not young, I am not totally healthy. I cannot see myself living with my children and depending on them for my day-to-day needs. I pray it never comes to that. But I cannot look into the future. If something happens to me or my husband, I hope that my sons and their wives can find it in their hearts to make sure I get the best care possible...especially if that means NOT staying with them. These days you can find good facilities to take care of loved ones on a twenty-four hour basis. No child of mine needs to devote his life to me if I need that kind of care! I don't require that kind of devotion. Spend your time finding a good place where I will get the best of care and then come and see me regularly with a clear mind knowing that they (the people that are qualified to do the things you can’t or that I would rather you wouldn’t do for me) are doing more for me than you can and leaving you to continue to love me instead of resent me for ruining your life! God Bless Them All!

Unusual?

2006-08-28T15:25:00+02:00

At this point in my life I feel that I am doing something unusual. The problem is I don’t know what aspect of my life is the unusual part.I have been married to the same man for over 40 years. We love each other. We try to make time for each other even with the problem of him being on call 24/7. He drives. He has to be ready at the drop of a hat. He never knows if he should be sleeping in case they are going to send him on a long run. Sometimes he has to leave for a 12- hour period to drive from here to Chicago or Buffalo. Sometimes he only leaves for a few hours at a time, then comes home and tries to do something with his time. He works on all sorts of projects, mostly with his computer while he is at home. Then he needs to be well rested so that he can drive again…it is pretty strange.I work at the library. My work schedule is never the same. I work 30 hours a week, but I will work extra if they need me. I either work from 9-5 or 12-8:30 four days a week. Luckily, we are not open on Sundays, but the four days then can be any of the other six days of the week, either nights or days usually some of both. They give us a schedule on the 20th for the next month, so if we need or want any time off we need to make arrangements before then. As a part of work, (and taking up time) is the Union. I am the Vice-President of our local. We have meetings @ once a month and once a year we have a convention of sorts. It is a 3- day deal usually far enough out of town that if you go you have to have a hotel room etc. Then once a month we have District Meetings which take place @ 30 miles from here on Sat. morning. We take turns going to those because of our work schedule.Also going on in my life is our living arrangements. We own a large 2 family home. Our older son and his wife and 3 children live with us. They want to buy a piece of property and build a home somewhere near here. They sold their house in a larger city because the neighborhood was really going down hill and the children needed somewhere they could live and play safely.My daughter-in-law home schools the children. They are very well behaved and I love having them here. It gives me the time that I need to spend with them and makes me a part of their lives. It also keeps me from being so alone when my husband is gone or sleeping for hours on end. My son runs his appraisal business from our home. His wife helps do paper work daily. That means that for the most part there are at least 5 people here at any given time. We have a door on the kitchen that when closed we have our own living space so privacy is not really an issue. My daughter-in-law cooks for me on days that I work and it is really nice to come home to a hot meal. We are all pretty considerate of each other and get along pretty well. They have been here 2 years now and while I love having them here I know they can’t stay forever and I will miss them when they leave. We go to church together. I love the little church in our town. The people are loving and giving, they truly care for each other. When someone is sick, they pray and when someone in the family dies or is very ill, the women of the church take turns bringing in meals. It is really an old- fashioned parish kind of church.In a couple weeks, we are starting Sunday School Classes. I have volunteered to teach the Elementary Class. I have never done that before and I need to make sure I can be organized and do a good job. I believe I have been called to work in this way and I need to show myself worthy.As you know, if you read the past posts, I have another son. (Pickle’s Papa) His wife, he and his sweet little Pickle live @ 60 miles from me. I have to make time to see them. They can’t always come here. They have things to do like work and all, but I miss them and want to spend time with them. Since the Pickle is so little I hate to miss all the big events in her life like when she finally starts to crawl and all that good stuff. I don’t know how my mom ever let us get so far away from her when my sons were little.If any or all of this seems normal (or abnormal for that matter) please let me know.