Last posts on Life

Animals that bite back

2008-09-18T12:29:53+02:00

There was an article on the news about some looney Spaniards that chase an angry bull and yes…you guessed it- the wee bull stamped on someone and badly injured them. Well, here’s the deal folks, keep back from angry agitated animals.

My favourite all time animals biting back had to be the white tiger in Las Vegas that clawed the skull off that scary blonde homosexual guy of Ziegfeld and Roy fame. I am not sure which one of the glittery frocked guys copped the injury, but it was totally fucking well deserved. That’s what you get for making a big jaggy toothed tiger dance to ABBA everyday. Here’s a newsflash guys, tigers are not meant to be living in a hotel in Nevada.

I once saw a man outside a supermarket in Glasgow with an eagle tethered to his wrist, the poor bird was wearing a leather gimp mask, and the freaky man was doing some wild bird display. When ‘Eagle Man’ lifted the bird up it pecked his face. I giggled and ran off.

Folk who go into a bears cave and then poke a stick at it deserve all they get. I know poor Steve Irwin did so much for ecology and wild life, but for fuck sake mate, what did you expect when you spent years jumping on a crocodiles back and swimming underwater near dangerous killer type mammals and fish-type floaty biters. Shit will happen.

I was taught as a small child that if you see a strange dog or cat, do not under any circumstances approach the damn thing. There was a reason for that rule and I bear the scars to this day. I once ran near a dog in the blistering summer heat of 1973 and the dog savaged my hand. It was stressed and I annoyed it deeply by screeching “Hello wee black dog” at the top of my squeaky voice.

I still can’t understand people who let their kids poke fingers through the cage of a parrot in a pet shop or the nutters who let kids lean dangerously over the pens of wild animals at a zoo. If the animals chomp at a kid, then parents should be jailed for neglect of their own children and the animal should get party thrown for it.

I think I have ranted enough, so there is today’s lesson from Aunty Janey- Don’t annoy animals- especially if they have the capabilities of biting your face off.

Fights and flurry’s

2008-09-14T16:04:14+02:00

September 11^th was a really bad day; husband and I had a monumental fight. I left home in flip flops and it rained. To make matters worse Ashley got involved and screamed at us both (quite rightly). I stalked the streets of Glasgow (well, I flip and flopped the streets to be correct) and muttered angry words of hatred.

Why is it when you have a big marital fight and run out of the house, you meet fucking loads of people you know but really don’t want to chat with?

I met my accountant, a TV producer and radio host. ‘Great!’ I thought to myself, if I had organised to meet these people it would never happen, but give me teary eyes and soaking wet flip flops and there we go….meeting accomplished.

My hair was in a top knot (which I forgot about until I spotted myself in a shop window) and I was wearing a pyjama top under my jumper and yes…yet again the fucking flip flops in the rain. Did I mention that already?

Husband made me insane to the point where if I had had a gun I would have shot the fucker. I ended up walking about for ages then spotted him in the street as well. So we then had a big shouty fight in the street. People stopped and stared. Stupid people asked if we were ok and other people pointed at the crazy woman in flip flops and funny hair. Husband merely muttered and stomped about angrily. I got so exhausted we headed home and slept like pretzels all curled up, twisted and angry.

There are no answers; we both need a personality transplant or a divorce.

Bobby the Hamster is King

2008-09-09T17:24:38+02:00

Ashley got soaked in yet another down pour that represents Glasgow’s wonderful late summer weather. She came home completely soaked and stomping about cursing the rain. She accused me of neglect for not birthing her in Florida or some other garden state where the sun shines regularly.

“Why didn’t you consider me when you were pregnant? Why didn’t you say to yourself ‘My child will hate Glasgow, I shall migrate to Australia’ Mum it could have been easier all round?” she whined as rain water cascaded onto the floor from her big giant amount of thick hair, it clung to her shoulders like soaking wet ship ropes.

“I didn’t consider you when I was pregnant because your internment inside my womb almost killed me!” I shouted back. I had suffered terrible during the pregnancy and almost died in a coma, as I had a horrible illness and that’s why I only had one child, I wasn’t medically allowed to have another baby, though making Ashley feel guilty for this is abhorrent, but she annoyed me for blaming me on the weather. So bring it on.

Luckily she laughed at me, she always does.

I decided on a trip to my niece Ann Margaret’s house. It is a fun house with many children and small animals. A bit like a petting zoo cum nursery, but only filled with kids that I love.

Ann Margaret has three kids, Shaun is 11, Abi is 5 and Julia is nearly 2 years old.

They have a cat called Squeak who is moody and slightly evil and hates being stroked. The have a rabbit called Tufty who is pathologically attracted to Squeak who HATES it.

They have a small goldfish called Bubbles who sucks on and drags the paraphernalia in its tank; therefore it rearranges the ferns and sunken ship into its very own floor plan, it may be a gay decorator in a past life.

They have a hamster called Bobby who up until last week had no personality, but more about that later. There is a guinea pig, who I have never seen but am assured exists somewhere in the house.

Squeak the cat is a surly dreary cat for one so young. No stroking or purring or playfulness with this beast. He skulks about the big tenement flat with an air of discord and glares at all who look at him. Poor Abi was desperate for a cat and she now owns one that has the personality of an angry disenchanted pensioner who demands food, prime couch space and no touching whatsoever.

Tufty the rabbit has learned no lessons from the spitting angry cat and would demand regular pretend rabbit-cat-sex and tried to hump the insane looking cat that constantly clawed at the poor wee black beast. The wee rabbit had to be neutered to halt the attempted cat rape incidents that the kids were constantly curious about. Too many questions arose from the kids for Ann Margaret to cope with. I thought it was funny; the cat glared at me when I laughed and I knew it was plotting some deep revenge.

Bobby the hamster was always quiet and his cage sat atop the rabbit hutch. Squeak the cat would often stare at Bobby and hiss at him, this stressed the wee creature so the cat and hamster were always kept apart, but with a busy household it was hard to keep this rule going. Especially when baby Julia left every door open in her wake as she explored her own home.

Last week Squeak was in his usual sentinel duty staring at the hamster. His nose right up at the cage, the hamster furiously tried to run five hundred miles on his wee wheel, but was getting nowhere away from the big moody cat.

Ann Margaret shouted “Squeak, stop threatening the hamster”

Squeak slowly dragged his head round to look at Ann Margaret and as he did this his big pointy papery ear peaked in between the hamster cage bars. Bobby saw his chance; he scuttled up and bit hard right into the cat’s ear. Squeak howled in pain and almost dragged the hamster cage off the hutch as the hamster would not let go.

The cat’s tail bushed into full toilet brush mode and finally escaped the jaws of Bobby the hamster. The cat ran up the walls terrified and squawked about the kitchen hissing and spitting in fear.

Bobby clung to the bars watching the cat scream, his beady eyes were taking in the whole scene. The rabbit was inside the hutch beneath peeping out to see what just happened to his beloved sex kitten, all hell broke loose as the animals screeched, hissed, thumped and rattled about their various cages!

Ann Margaret laughed her head off and checked the cat’s ear, it was fine, no skin broken, but he was even more surly and skulked off under the baby’s cot for some rest.

Bobby the hamster escaped last night, well I say escaped, Julia let him out, she is all for freedom in animals and often lets the rabbit out at teatime just to add to the melee that is her home.

Squeak spotted the hamster, Ann Margaret watched closely as the wee hamster strolled past the cat, looked at it and walked on. Squeak walked backwards away from it, Bobby looked like he may be wearing a wee leather jacket and carrying a flick knife, he was king of the Beasts now and nothing will stop his reign.

Squeak hid back under the baby’s cot. His spirit is broken, he will have to go back to threatening the goldfish who regularly rearranges his tank, and ignores the feline.

Not Neglectful? Think Again Gerry McCann

2008-09-07T14:32:34+02:00

Recent news on the hunt for Madeleine McCann has revealed that their parents have spent ‘about a million pounds’ so far in trying to find their missing toddler.

The fund that was set up to find their daughter is still active and the cash has been spent on various forms of investigation it has recently been revealed.

There can be no cost on finding your missing child, I agree with that, but what really got me angered was the Team McCann statement at the end of the press release when it states that Mr McCann again expressed his anguish at leaving Madeleine alone with twins Sean and Amelie as they went for dinner in Portugal's Praia da Luz resort.

But he said the couple were "not negligent" but "profoundly regret" what happened.

I hastily and angrily disagree with Gerry McCann and would like to ask him that if he doesn’t see his actions as negligent will he be leaving his twins unattended on their next holiday? Can they not just admit that leaving their babies without proper supervision is wrong and irresponsible?

Constantly defending your own reckless behaviour smacks of either naivety or arrogance, and someone needs to raise this subject matter. Some areas of the press have been scornful and even accusatory towards the McCann’s and newspapers have either been sued or threatened to have legal wolf hounds snapping at their throats, recently the detective who handled the case when Madeleine originally went missing has written an inflammatory book. He too is being threatened with the suing stick, yet no-one actually holds Mr McCann to account over his own seditious statement about being innocent of neglect.

This isn’t another diatribe against the press hungry parents, because if my child had gone missing I too would move heaven and earth to find her, but I wouldn’t deny neglect if it were my own careless actions that originally rendered my child vulnerable. Appearing stoical in their own defence over what actually is- a dangerous attitude to parenting will not win the public’s heart and spur them onto help finding the missing child. The subversive behaviour of the McCann family has managed to distance people from their cause.

Just put your hands up Mr McCann and admit you were both wrong, people make mistakes and you and your wife are paying for that more than anyone I know, but just don’t tell me that leaving your kids alone in an apartment is not neglectful. If you don’t believe me and feel like suing, then click on the NSPCC website and check the law out for yourself.

Imagination is more important than knowledge

2008-08-29T11:24:12+02:00

There has been an explosion of ideas and technology the past ten years. These have mostly come from the creative kids who grew up in the 1960s and 70s. Decades where these kids grew up without electronic games, DVDs, multi channels on the TV and no one knew anything about mobile phones.

Yet their innovative ideas created the majority of the latest gizmos that dominate today’s society.

Children, who fell out of trees, stayed too long in the sun, drank out of ponds and more often than not spent summers with nothing more than a ball and a stick.

We made dens out of dirty blankets and tried to tame vicious dogs, we ate bread and sugar, stole rhubarb from gardens and ate it in bulk without washing it and we stayed out till 10pm in hot summer nights without mobile contact.

The kids I knew never had access to video cameras yet we played out scenes from Kung Fu movies and imagined the cameras to be right there capturing the action. We explained entire movies, scene by scene, summarising the plot to the kids who missed the latest block buster film. We played old tape cassettes of music we had copied from the radio so we could all dance in the hallway of our tenements. We were the generation that were just too early for the IPod, yet we made the best of what we had.

Kites were awesome and involved a lot of running, bikes were generally haphazard and often broken yet revered and kids knew how to build one from scratch, comics were swapped, toys were constantly repaired, roller skates were shared between a whole community of kids and a dirty old mattress became a trampoline for the summer.

We knew Michael Jackson when he was black, we were convinced Skippy the Bush Kangaroo could talk and we imagined the days when we could wear a watch that would display TV shows live to our wrist.

Who knew that the kids with no real toys would foster enough imagination to create the fantastic technology of today’s world?

The kids of the 1960s could only dream of a future world. The gadgets we saw on the old episodes of Star Trek would fire our imagination. All those hand held electronic devices that could transport people up and down the galaxies, made me excited about my future.

I personally believed back in the 70s that the Jolt Belt from the TV hit show the Tomorrow People would most certainly be available in the year 2000. Imagine how wonderful that could have been? We wouldn’t even need to remove our shoes for security purposes first! Just simply press a button and arrive at our chosen destination.

We were the generation that used our imagination and our unbridled passion to create the wonderful stuff that our kids enjoy today, yet we spent days with nothing but a wooden board, two old broken skates and the ability to make it into a small inner city push cart.

Today’s youngsters have no real idea how to occupy themselves without electronic goods; they wont know the joy of building a den or organising a spontaneous party that involved building a fire and roasting stolen potatoes from mums cupboard. Everything is done for them, wee girls are sexualised too soon and wee boys no longer get to dress as cowboys without being labelled gay.

The kids of the 70s have something that the children of today will never have- a childhood!

Time for another update....and I invented a word.

2008-08-29T04:40:00+02:00

This month has been an interesting one. There was nothing of note until the Olympics started. Dan and Nicole were in Michigan on vacation and came to visit Brian and I and watch the opening ceremonies with us. It was so fun to see them again and just be goofy. They crashed at our place and we spent Saturday morning eating donuts and playing video games - classic.

The next few days are a blur of Olympic activity. We don't have all the fancy channels on cable, so we had to make do with whatever NBC was showing, but it was fun. A couple of girls from the college group came by to hang out for an afternoon, too, so that was fun. Brian loves that they like to play Goldeneye so he has the N64 hooked up next to the GameCube and the Wii now so it's always ready to go.

My wonderful friend, Amber, is also embarking on a new journey - grad school in Indiana. I'm so stinkin' proud of her!!! She's going to rock the linguistics department there and I'm honored that I got to go with her to see the school back in April. I got a chance to hang out with her one more time before she left this month. I drove to Saginaw to see her and Nicole and for the three Musketeers to spend time together again.

I got to Saginaw to see them and was totally surprised!! Dan was there with Nicole and Amber and they had decorated Amber's apartment and they threw me a surprise baby shower!!!!!!!! It was just the four of us hanging out (poor Brian had to work) but they spared no expense - a banner, streamers, generous gifts and a cake!! Dan even picked out the cake and I'm so proud of him for doing it. I'll post pictures when I can. I was shocked, but so happy that they cared. With everyone scattering to the four winds, it's nice that they got to be a part of the pre-baby festivities. Who would've thought that of the three of us girls, I would be the one settling down in Michigan while Amber and Nicole are off in different states - different time zones, even! After the shower, Dan left so us girls could hang out and we went to lunch together and then back to Nicole's parents' house to hang out some more (with Dan) before I had to get back home.

It was such a great time with framily - no, that's not a typo. It's my new word: Family and Friends that are Family are Framily. Nicole and Amber have been my Framily for a very long time - before I met Brian and before Nicole met Dan and before we graduated college and had to start pretending to be grown-ups. I have other framily, too, that are also wonderful people and so important to me. Friends might come and go, but framily is forever.

So after that we were back to the routine of Olympics. I didn't blog about this Olympics as I did with some previous ones, but I was still equally excited and still continue to suffer from Olympics-Tourettes. I don't mean to belittle those that actually suffer from Tourettes, but I have my uncontrollable screaming at the TV during anything Olympics. My favorite moment was actually one of Brian's moments of screaming at the TV....the announcers of the women's beach volleyball were going on and on about the kinesio tape on Kerry Walsh's shoulder and some of the other athletes. Brian has been using this special tape and taping technique in his clinic (and on me) for a while now and knows quite a bit about it. In fact, my mom called to tell me how she and my dad were excited to see "Brian Tape" on the athletes, because they couldn't remember the name of it. Anyways, one of the announcers made a comment about the differently colored tapes out there and Brian started shouting from the kitchen: "Different sizes are different colors! If you're going to talk about it, at least get it right!" There was more to his shouting, but that's what I remember and it was funny.

In baby news, everything seems to be going well and the doctor tells me at every appointment that I'm healthy and baby is healthy. We finally did our gift registries. Our main one is at Target, but we did a few things at Babies R Us. We might do a few small things at Walmart, too, because that's the main store here in town. I hate to sound like I'm snotty and complaining, because I don't mean to be...but there's something about registries that I just don't like. I mean, I'm telling people exactly what we'd like and what we need, but yet I'm still completely out of control. I'm not a complete control freak, but I have my issues, and this is one of them. It's just hard because - like with a wedding registry - we know our style and what we already have and so on and we've done our research on everything. But what's intensified with a baby is everyone on the planet's opinion and their desire to share their opinion with you - good or bad. Yes, I understand that we didn't register for some things that other parents have that they insist everyone needs. But, not everyone knows what we already have, what our house is like, what we're like, what our parenting philosophy is or will be (we're still discovering that) and so forth and so on. I love getting advice when I ask for it. I loathe getting advice when I don't. I do have wonderful friends that have been supportive and told me where they found bargains, etc. and I love the advice that we got before we registered because it really was helpful. I don't mean to sound ungrateful at all; it's just a control issue, I guess.

In non-baby news, there's been some changes and there's going to be even more changes coming soon to our home. Brian's clinic had to cut a staff member for budget reasons and while we are eternally grateful that Brian gets to keep his job, things are going to change for his shift. It already started with moving him back to working later in the day - which isn't so bad because he's home in time for dinner. But, it looks like that's only going to be the case for about another month or so. Nothing is definite - so don't quote me here - but it looks like there's a good possibility he'll be moving to a 4 day work week. It's not up to him, but if it was, he wouldn't do it (and I don't quite like the idea of it, either). Because while we would be getting 3 day weekends, it's the other 4 days that will stink. A 10 hour day isn't so bad, but when you add almost an hour commute on either end, it really sucks up all your time. Again, this wouldn't be so bad if he got to pick his hours, but he has little to no say in when he starts or stops his shift. Most likely he will be out of the house from 9am to 9pm or thereabouts (again, nothing is definite yet and we may not know the definite schedule for a while). Now, while it's still just the two of us...not the end of the world. Even with me going to bed early and getting up early for subbing, it's not that bad - we did something similar for a year when we were first married. However, when the baby comes, that means that there will be 4 days of the week that I'm alone all afternoon and evening without him there to help me or even just to talk to to encourage me. And Brian won't get a lot of time with the baby those days of the week, either.

I'm trying hard to focus on the positives here. Brian has a great job that he loves - there's nothing else in his field he'd rather be doing and it's not exactly easy for him to change jobs, either. We are blessed that he even has a job and that that job gives us insurance. But, it still stinks. I'm allowed to think it stinks.

Fringe Rumours

2008-08-27T20:16:43+02:00

It’s all over for yet another year and the newspapers are still reporting on the ‘down turn’ of the ticket sales and problems with the ticket box office. Even the good old Scottish weather has become a feature in itself. The splashing showers got more attention and reviews than some heavily financed shows this year.

My own personal look back at this year’s Edinburgh Fringe is wonderfully optimistic. Despite all the gloomy news about the slump in ticket sales, I had my best year ever.

Some reviews of my show were less than favourable, yet I sold 60% more tickets this year than any other. Which makes me wonder if the reviews do sell the shows?

When I got a host of four and five star reviews back in 2006 and 2007 I was playing to fifteen people a night. This year my lowest audience was 90 punters.

So what does make the show a success? Is it the word on the street? Early press and features? Is it the gritty hard working Flyering team or just a plain determination to keep going and giving your audience a show they like? I am not totally sure.

A few things were rather disconcerting for me this year. One being the sheer amount of papering the rooms with free tickets and two-for-ones right up until the last day, this kind of marketing devalues the shows that depend on money coming through the door.

Luckily many punters who come to the Fringe have come to realise that the ‘Free shows’ are already catered for on Peter Buckley Hill’s and Alex Petty Free shows already. I fully support both of their ideals and understand that they are a great way for fresh comics testing the Fringe waters and I hope they grow throughout the years. What I find upsetting is the ‘Big Four Venues’ giving away free tickets when I am in the same venue as a show that will gladly throw the tickets to anyone who will grab them.

I believe punters will feel aggrieved at having to pay £11 for a ticket when they have gotten used to hanging around some shows that will simply give them tickets at the door to get the bums on seats. I can understand that papering rooms is acceptable for the first few days and previews. I myself did two-for –ones on the first three days. After that, it’s cash only.

I have never papered rooms at the Fringe, not even when I first did my one woman show in 2002. I would rather play to six committed punters than 40 people who really didn’t want to be there. Though that it my own personal view.

My biggest gripe with this year’s Fringe Festival was the oddly awarded If.Com Award for Panel Prize. It is usually awarded to people or a show that are deemed the ‘spirit of the Fringe’ and this year the money and title went to ALL comedians who performed in Edinburgh. Apparently there was a free bar on the 25^th of August. I didn’t bother to turn up, as I don’t really drink and didn’t agree with their choice.

I believe the Spirit of The Fringe should have gone to Peter Buckley Hill. A man who has been coming to the Fringe for at least a hundred years, supporting comedy, initiating the Free shows, showcasing comics and just being a jolly old stalwart that personifies the bonhomie of The Royal Mile.

I can’t even begin to believe that the If.Com panel found it hard to pick one person for that award, despite their protests I believe something seriously went wrong or some sort of controversy went down at that final meeting. How hard would it be to pick someone? Isn’t that their job?

At least all the comics on the Fringe can now have the If.Com logo on their posters next year; after all we did all win the prize collectively.

Well done to all who braved the rain, the ticket system fiasco and the seemingly low attendance numbers just to perform at the biggest arts festival in the world. I hope it was worth it.

It’s all over

2008-08-26T18:24:29+02:00

I wrote this last night when I couldn’t sleep…

It really is the middle of the night here in Edinburgh. I am staring out of the big ceiling to floor windows into the dark night sky and all I can hear are gulls screeching their odd hollow laughter at me. It’s like the echo of the stage.

So that’s another Edinburgh Fringe Festival over and done with. My 7^th year of solo shows to be exact and I sit here quietly. The whole house is asleep. Husband is happily snoring and daughter Ashley is exhausted and lying half in, half out of her flowery duvet in her bedroom, I peeped in to check she was ok. I do that every night of her life when we are in the same house. Ashley worked really hard this year organising the Flyering team and making sure the public got my face on card in their hands despite the rotten weather.

The show this year has been my most successful to date. We sold 60% more tickets this year than last. The fringe had been fraught with problems from day one as the box office failed to work! (The only we needed them to do was sell tickets and they bloody couldn’t) The weather was horrendous and people were thin on the ground due to the credit crunch and other shitty things that stall the economy. Yet I am pleased as punch.

I won an award this year (Nivea Funny Women) and I got some great reviews.

I also managed to reach a core target audience of people who had NEVER been to see comedy before, (they told me so) yet they got on trains, buses and cars to come see my show. That is an awesome feeling.

But this strange feeling of pulling everything down and moving the family yet again to another city does become weary. I realise that we are just travelling show people, cases packed, publicity material stored and the show moves on yet again.

I don’t think I will ever settle in one place for the rest of my life. You get hooked on moving around, doing comedy in a different town, different continent or country year in and year out. Husband is getting fed up with it I think. He lay in bed tonight and asked me when we pack up again to go off after we go back to Glasgow and when I told him it was next week, he sighed. He never spoke, he turned around in bed, moved my arm off his chest and humped into a ball and fell asleep. I fear he is bored with it all and who could blame him?

Ashley will settle back in Glasgow as she has Uni to get back to and her own life. She has been coming to Edinburgh Fringe with me since she was 10 years old, back when I first started doing three or two hander shows in the mid 90s. She even did stand up comedy herself in her One –Girl show when she was 13 years old. It’s in the blood.

I had such a great time this year; it was very laid back and lazy at times. I didn’t take on as much work this time and was only doing one show a day, other than the few nights I was a guest on someone else’s bill of course.

Husband and I got to spend loads of time together as we didn’t have many guests stay over at the Edinburgh Flat as we had done in the past. It was just the three of us for most of the time. Though he did go back to Glasgow for a few days respite from the Festival madness, he did enjoy the peace and quiet!

I am off to Glasgow today and will miss Edinburgh. Roll on next year!

Getting on with things

2008-08-24T14:39:11+02:00

I haven’t blogged in at least a week and I am so very sorry. I am still at the Edinburgh Fringe and the rain hasn’t stopped yet, so I am pissed off with it all. It really has made the Fringe really hard, the audiences have been coming in dripping wet, and I feel so sorry for them. Though they have been wonderful and I love the fact they still come to see me. I am lucky in a sense as my venue ‘The Pleasance Dome’ has inside queuing facilities and the audience can enjoy a hot coffee whilst they wait.

Each night I walk through the queue to my show, and watch out for kids. As adults have still been bringing young children to my comedy show, I have no idea why, as the show is clearly labelled for 16 years and over in the brochure.

Living at the Fringe is quite strange, the whole family have to decamp to a new flat and we all seem to fit in fine. Each person taking their own role in the circus that is my life, Ashley gets the Flyering done and husband looks after food and cleaning duties. I merely do the show.

I was a guest on a few other shows, like Late and Live, Spank and The Nicholas Parsons show. I also done a wee stint on The Hamilton’s Late Night Show. It’s all good fun and I am a bit dosed up with the flu.

The fringe has been awesome despite all the shit that goes with it, I have sold more tickets this year than any year I have ever been and that’s a pretty good achievement considering that most shows are having a hard time. The credit crunch, the Olympics and the weather have been against us from day one and don’t even mention the shit box office that failed to sell tickets.

I am still pretty chuffed that I won Nivea Funny Women Award as well. Some people have tried to diminish the award, being rather negative but as far as I am concerned, anyone who supports female comics is ok by me.

Being a seasoned performer at the Fringe makes me see things a wee bit clearer than the newcomers to the business. At the parties, you see stand ups chatting but staring over your shoulder to see if someone more interesting is standing close. Maybe a TV executive or major promoter could be within grabbing distance and you know your time with this person is over as their eyes start to glaze and they make a run for it to the more important person. You know you have a good pal in a comic when the continually make eye contact throughout your conversation.

Last week I had a good catch up with the funny Johnny Vegas and comedy legend Barry Cryer. Both funny men and good chatters, though the night was cut short as yet another rainy down pour put paid to outside fag break. I slipped off to go home and outside the venue heard two comics bitching about other people’s reviews.

The petty jealousies and sniping back biting always exists. Who got a comedy nomination? With cries of “Really, her? She is shit” ringing out through The Underbelly bar or who got a sell out show? “Why did he get an extra show? He is shit” Who got a five star review? “That sketch show is piss poor” That’s how life is at the Fringe.

This goes on constantly, and it can become weary. Yet the positivity and hopefulness still thrives all around us, not every one is having a bad day at the same time.

So it is now nearly all over.

Speak soon.

The Nivea Funny Women Award 2008

2008-08-14T04:52:19+02:00

Last night I won the Nivea Funny Women Award, I got loads of lovely skin care products and a thousand quid! The award show was running late and I just managed to mutter some of my speech, I knew I had to run off to a late night gig at the Gilded Balloon, so my daughter Ashley did most of the speech for me. I have a video of it all and will post it soon.

I am exhausted this morning and feel as though I have been hit by a truck, I am groggy and tired for no good reason.

My show at The Pleasance is going well, audiences are wonderful and all would be great if the rain would just stop. Each night the show changes slightly according to how I feel and I love just improvising and dropping new bits in when I feel like it.

Ashley and her mate Victoria are out Flyering daily, in rain and shine, I love them both.

The Edinburgh Fringe 2008

2008-08-10T19:38:59+02:00

I have been here now for two weeks and had ONE review! Granted it was a great FOUR star stonking review, but I am annoyed that’s all I am getting so far. The show is selling out well at weekends and that’s really cool with me. Mid-week the numbers are a slightly lower as not as many people are coming to the Fringe mid-week as previously assumed. The credit crunch seems to be having some financial effect and that’s worrisome for the shows. We depend on the cash through the ticket sales, as it costs about £10,000 to put on a show at the Fringe.

Ashley is on the streets every day handing out the flyers, and she has a great wee team with her who manage to get my name out there. The problem is the bloody box office system, first they tell people that there are NO tickets left for me, then deny they said that, and then offer other shows to people who want to buy my tickets, and then deny that as well. But luckily Ashley went in to the Fringe Box office and pretended to be a punter and asked for tickets to my show. She was told I was sold out and did she want to buy tickets for some other bloke’s comedy show. Ashley exploded and explained she had full control and access to the ticket sales and she knew personally that there were tickets available for my show.

I had to make seven phone calls to finally release twenty tickets for my show, which was after hours of the Fringe Box office saying I was sold out when I wasn’t! No wonder I am stressed to hell.

The Pleasance has been helpful and is trying to resolve the Fringe Ticket Fiasco.

So if you come through to Edinburgh and try to buy tickets for my show and they tell you it is sold out, COME TO THE PLESANCE DOME TICKET BOX OFFICE and buy them there. I am usually at the Pleasance Dome Box Office around 6.40pm. If you had problems getting a ticket, tell me personally! I will deal with it myself and try my best to make sure you get in.

I will NOT let the incompetence of the systems that they programmed ensure my punters and I lose out.

Thanks everyone for coming to see me and if you see my daughter Ashley handing out flyers in Edinburgh, give her a big smile for me, encouragement is a wonderful thing!

I am a comedian

2008-08-09T18:53:31+02:00

At the Edinburgh Fringe, you do nothing but run about organising tickets, Flyering teams and making sure the box office hasn’t screwed up the tickets YET AGAIN!

My show is at Pleasance Dome at 7pm every night and it’s going great. I have had a wonderful 4 star review and the other reviews haven’t been printed yet.

The rain in Edinburgh really flooded the city over the past week and that has affected sales big time. The good news is, I got to meet the amazing Joan Rivers, I got to have sell out shows and I got to see my best mate Monica, her sister and her mum. They all came through to see the show.

I have been video taping some stuff for a video blog and Ashley and husband are exhausted with the organising and Flyering side of things. Poor Ashley looked like a seal as she stood in the rain for hours handing out the leaflets promoting my show. I feel so sorry for her and the other guys that are helping me; I hope the evil rain goes away soon.

Good news is, people have stopped bringing kids to my comedy show. It was becoming mental, I mean, I am chatty but for adults only to be honest. The show isn’t that rude, but there is adult content in there.

So today is Saturday and I have period pains that would kill a horse, the cluster bomb in my womb is going big guns, yet I have to smile and pretend I am not bleeding to death. (When does this stop?).

I am having a great time at the Fringe; I do love everything about it and can’t stop smiling every time I see my face on a poster, or a stranger buying a ticket for my show. These things keep me going!

Baby Update

2008-08-06T03:36:38+02:00

We're halfway through the pregnancy! It's an exciting and slightly overwhelming thought that it's August and the baby will be here in December! Wow. Time has flown by so fast, it's incredible!

Brian felt the baby moving for the first time last Friday. He was so excited and I was thrilled for him!! The look on his face was priceless - something I'll remember forever! I feel the baby moving a few times a day, but he's been able to feel at least once a day. I love it. He'll talk to the baby and I love spending time just sitting with him and his hand on my stomach.

Today was our big ultrasound for the anatomy. If we had wanted to find out the gender, this would have been the time. But, the baby listened when we told him or her to keep their little legs crossed - we couldn't have seen the gender even if we wanted to. I'm glad that we didn't go in there hoping to find out because we would have just been disappointed. This way, there was no disappointment, only anticipation. The baby is healthy. The ultrasound tech used the word "perfect" quite a bit. The health of the baby is the most important thing, and knowing that it's healthy is wonderful news.

We tried to get a clear shot of the face with the 3-D imaging, but the baby wouldn't cooperate (must get it's shyness from Dad ;) ). It's little hands were up near it's face most of the time (like a boxer's stance). The baby moved quite a bit, flipping all over and rolling and it was fun to see our little one moving all over the place. We were able to count the 10 little fingers and 10 little toes on the two little arms and two little feet that have been battering me from the inside out! I'm getting used to the thumping, actually, but it will still take my breath away once in a while. Sometimes the baby will roll so fast that I feel like I'm losing my stomach like on a roller coaster!

We're making progress on getting the second bedroom turned into the nursery. Again, when I say "we" I really mean Brian. The computer is moved and most of the junk has been filtered out to the basement or attic or to the part of the house where it actually belongs.

We made a preliminary trip to some stores to see about registering. It's a little overwhelming to think about all the little things we need (not to mention the big things)! We found the stuff we want for the nursery (classic Winnie-the-Pooh set) and now we're just trying to make other decisions. My sister has already been sending things that I might need - a little feeding kit with everything to get me started. She also gave the baby his or her first outfit - a yellow onesie and pants set with a matching bib. It has a duck face on the butt - which Brian loves. If you know his sense of humor, you'll understand why he thinks it's funny to have babies wear things with ducks on the butt (think about noises babies tend to make a lot!). Even with some hand-me-downs from family it just seems like we'll never get everything we need. With setting up our house it seemed so easy because we could always get something whenever we needed it. Somehow it seems so much more overwhelming with a baby! I think I wouldn't feel so overwhelmed if we had family members nearby. They'll visit when the baby is born and during the following weeks, but that's different from having someone close by that can be there anytime.

Overall, life is good here. We're gearing up for the college group / young adult group we lead to start again in the fall. We had a break from the praise team at our church and Brian is so glad to be back at that. I've decided to step down from the team because it's getting too hard to drum with my stomach sticking out the way it is now, so our break from the team was a natural transition. I'm now his personal roadie and I run sound during practices. Brian's work schedule may be changing sometime in the near future, but we're just waiting to see what's decided.

Oh - AND THE OLYMPICS START THIS WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm such a freak - I love the Olympics!!!!! They are my favorite thing about sports and they are one of the greatest things that humans have created. So, everyone will know where to find me for the next two weeks - screaming and cheering at my TV and waving my American and Russian flags!!

Vacation!!

2008-08-04T19:38:27+02:00

Last month Brian and I got our first real vacation since our honeymoon. We love visiting family, but that's been the only

type of vacation we've had. So, this year we went with Brian's dad and his brother Steve's family to Sandbridge, Virginia (just a few minutes south of Virginia Beach).

We were only minutes away from where my family lived for 4 years while my dad was stationed there - and I do have to say that I was comforted by the soothing sounds of the jets flying overhead day and night. I loved being around it again so much that I even got a bumper sticker at a store there that says "I love Jet Noise" - because I do. I really do. It's the sound of freedom to my ears. Brian thought it was relatively novel the first day and enjoyed the first sonic boom...but it got old for him after that.

The vacation was so relaxing and so much fun. We even got the chance to go out for a date night for our 3rd anniversary, which was wonderful!

Brian enjoyed helping Jenna and Jack build sand castles every day on the beach.

Yes, I messed up the date stamp on the pictures. Oops.

Brian and Steve boogie boarding.

Brian catching a wave!

Brian really started to get the hang of things...

...until the board got away from him!

One rainy afternoon we went to the aquarium and science museum. The kids and Brian got to pet a sting ray and the kids and I got to pet a baby aligator!

The shark exhibit was also a huge hit with everyone!

Jenna loved playing football with her Uncle Brian.

Jack loved the giant Star Wars frisbee.

While babysitting the kids, Jack got to show off his Leapster pad.

Jenna loved that her Aunt Lorraine taught her new ways to braid hair - and then let her practice on real hair!

This was the first of many hair-dos by Jenna. We didn't get more pictures because Brian was outside catching a catfish!

It only took about 45 minutes to get all the tangles out when she was done, but it was worth it.

The morning of our last full day of vacation, Brian and I got up early to watch the sunrise over the beach. Most of our pictures are dark, but once the sun started to come out from behind the clouds, it was gorgeous!

Jack decided he was going to pose his dad and Uncle Brian in a picture. He picked out their hats and how to wear them.

The house had it's own dock on the bay behind the house.

It was a wonderful vacation and so relaxing!! It was the perfect way to wind down before all the rest of the craziness of getting ready for the baby starts!!

Weddings make me think

2008-07-22T21:02:32+02:00

Ashley and I were watching a wedding in a movie tonight and she asked me about her dad and mine’s wedding preparations. So I told her.

It was the summer of 1980 when we decided to get married, we settled on a date in late September. We had already been living together, I had turned 19 and husband was still 17 when we got the plans together. God, we were so bloody young, what were we thinking? I wasn’t pregnant and we didn’t have to do it, but I thought I loved him enough and basically we wanted to escape our families and make a wee life for us.

I recall cycling on my wee red bike into Glasgow city centre to a wedding dress shop. The first dress I spotted was £58 it was on the sale and it fitted fine, so I bought it within six minutes of being in the place. I didn’t really see wedding dresses as a big thing, to me it was like a work uniform or some sort of attire that was required for the day. I didn’t once consider style, shape or size; I was pleased I got one cheap. I knew husband would be pleased at my penny pinching methods. He didn’t really approve of spending what you didn’t have, and I too didn’t want to go into debt over a bloody dress.

The woman who served me said “You should look at others, you shouldn’t just pick one this quick, and your mum should see it first as well”

She was being really pushy and kept nagging at me to consider other dresses and I wanted the one I spotted myself. It was cheap, it was white and it fitted, what more did I need? I was only a teenager with no real fashionable insight and I was worried about my bike that was sitting downstairs in the shop front.

I was annoyed at this and said “My mother is dead” and I handed her the cash. The woman looked shamed and shut up.

Now my mum wasn’t dead, but I just wanted to buy it and get out of there, I know it was a rash thing to say, but she was pushing me emotionally and I wanted to shock her into shutting up. My opinion was important and didn’t need my mum to yea or nay the frock, nor did I need that scraggy faced woman’s opinion- it was my wedding day and my dress.

You should have seen the look of horror on the woman’s face when I tied the big white cardboard box that contained the puffy white dress onto the back of my bike with a big stretchy wire. It was funny looking back, she must have thought I was nuts.

Husband and I decided to get married from our family home’s instead of our own flat in the Calton.

So he was staying at his dad’s and I was at my mum’s flat in Shettleston.

I kept the dress at a friends house near my mums as her house wasn’t really that clean and I was worried it would get smoke damaged from all her smoking or dirty there.

The night before I got married, I cycled over to my father in laws house, my husband to be was out working at the bar and I knew my father in law would be alone. I brought the bike into the hallway and he and I sat and watched TV. I needed a bath and my mum’s bath hadn’t worked since 1976 and I didn’t want to be a stinky bride.

After my bath, my father in law and I sat and ate ice-cream and cycled back home where I met up with Maggie. She was my bridesmaid and an old pal of mine. We both stayed at my mum’s that night. Our wedding was at 11am the next morning and we had hairdresser’s appointments the next morning. We both got our hair done and simply walked back to my mum’s flat.

It was a hive of activity; my brothers and my niece Debbie were there, all getting ready for my early wedding! People were chatting, drinking beer, all getting excited and kept asking me if was ok. Maggie and I felt odd being the centre of attention but carried on with our business of getting dressed up for the big day.

I didn’t have make up or anything else to do, as I didn’t wear make up back then. There were no big preparations. So I simply got out of my jeans and jumper and pulled on the dress, I thought I looked nice. I popped the diamante tiara on my head, pulled over the veil and that was me done and dusted!

No fuss, no messing or flapping about nervously. I recall walking out of my childhood bedroom dressed up in the big white dress and felt like I was going to out for my Halloween party, I spotted my wee red bike and I wished I could just jump on it and cycle away.

The morning passed quickly, the wedding ceremony was over in a flash. We went to his dad’s pub, that’s where we first met. We ate lunch and by 1pm we were out of there, I got into my jeans and we left the two dysfunctional mis-matched families to their own devices and went to a bed and breakfast in Saltcoats for our honeymoon.

Husband and I got there early and decided to go see a movie as we had time to kill. We saw ‘Kramer versus Kramer’ a film about divorce on our wedding night! We ate chips and headed to the accommodation. It was slightly smelly and really old fashioned.

It was freezing cold and the bed was foamy and hard. A cat meowed loudly at our window all night long and in the morning a big Alsatian dog that belonged to the owners bit me as I went for breakfast. Memorable.

So there we have it. A wedding, a cheap dress, a non existent hen party, a horrible honeymoon and nearly 30 years of marriage, not bad eh?