a long post: pouring out my heart

2006-08-27T12:45:00+02:00

COMBAT: ELLE vs. DEPRESSION

Whenever I am tempted to purchase a return ticket to the Philippines (a thought which has occured to me countless of times) because I'm thinking, "I can't put up with the loneliness, with the depression, with the lack of meaningful connection" I stop myself, and almost like some mantra, I think of the quote that I posted last friday, and what I said when I posted it:

I AM WILLING TO PUT MYSELF THROUGH ANYTHING;

TEMPORARY PAIN OR DISCOMFORT MEANS NOTHING

TO ME AS LONG AS I CAN SEE THAT THE EXPERIENCE

WILL TAKE ME TO A NEW LEVEL. I AM INTERESTED IN

THE UNKNOWN, AND THE ONLY PATH TO THE UNKNOWN

IS THROUGH BREAKING BARRIERS.

I am not allowing myself to wallow in self-pity and gloat over the former days. I dwell on this quote and other stuff to strengthen me and to help me forget the unbelievable loneliness that I feel, it's like as I said before, a loneliness so strong that you not only struggle on the inside but it's so paralyzing that fighting it off becomes physically taxing as well. I was reading Ala Paredes's blog (Jim Paredes of APO fame's talented and gorgeous daughter) and I just learned that they had migrated to Australia and you know what? I find that I am not loco for feeling the the way I'm feeling.This is what she said:

I am a new immigrant, and I'm still hilo when it comes to processing this experience. There have been many struggles, many challenges that I can't even attach a name to, powerful emotions I can't seem to identify.

I also read her brother's blog, man the guy has the worst case of homesickness I know, funny thing is I can relate! Although I can't post his entries here because they're in Tagalog and I would use a lot of *bleeps*.

Well, at least Ala doesn't have the language barrier! I freak out everytime someone suddenly blurts out something in Chinese (My reaction= ME talking to myself colour draining from her face: uh-oh, here we go again) and then they'd all laugh or comment in Chinese, do you know how that feels? It's like I'm suspended in midair,my extremities are flailing and I have to be in that position for duration of the conversation then I'd come back on earth, specifically Singapore again. Pero di ba di naman maganda yun? Parang maledukado yun at least ganun ako pinalaki ng nanay ko na I shouldn't talk in a language that another wouldn't understand.All those times I WANTED, BEGGED, PRAYED THAT THE SURFACE OF THE EARTH WHERE I WAS STANDING ON WOULD OPEN UP AND SWALLOW ME ALIVE AND THEN I'D JUST POKE MY HEAD EVERY NOW AND THEN FROM THAT HOLE. I can't help myself if I feel ostracized, right?

There are times when people would sweep their eyes from my head down to my feet like scanners and I get this creepy feeling that they are sizing me up if I'm ok or not. Quite frustrating, because I feel...USELESS, and I'm not used to feeling that, I'm a very goal-oriented person and to be here and just bumming out, passing everyday as ok when I know I lead a quasi-life is very ...very...ARGH!It's not so much as missing the people back home, it's more of integrating myself, saan ako lulugar? I was used to activities and moving about being productive...

Everytime something sad or uncomfortable happens, I just think, 'God, I know You have a reason why I'm feeling this, why I'm experiencing this, why I feel so left out". To be frank may be I'm just "putting up" with all this things in my life because I love God,and if it weren't for me being a Christian, (actually it's not really about being a Christian, it's about loving Jesus )I would have backed out, Sayonara Singapore! I mean who in their right mind would let themselves go through the pain and discomfort of uprooting and moving in a foreign country with absolutely no other relatives around (another thing that Ala doesn't have to deal with), who would allow their academic careers to be put on hold, to COMPLETELY MESS UP, DELETE, ERASE, FORGET the LIFE PLANS that one has drawn up? Whatever happens to me I know it'll be for my good, didn't God say that in Jeremiah 29:11?

Whenever I feel lonely I just go to Him. Knowing that there will be a double recompense for my shame (Isaiah). God, I am humbled...please don't let go of Your hand!

Birthday Card

I thank my blockmates for the birthday card...soooo sweet...love you all...mommy loves you, make me proud! You can all master Anatomy, Physiology, PhysDys and PsychDys (did I get all of them...oh cripes! I forgot MRL!). Just give your best shot! And remember to rest ah? Miss ko na kayo sobra! Tell me bout the internship...keep on going strong block 20!

Training the Mind

I've been brainwashing myself these past week. It's a tough mental battle! But I'm taking responsibility.

On Blog Leave

Yes, I'll be on blog leave for an indefinite span of time, that's why this is a pretty long post. I have been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I had this wonderful thought. I have a lot of time on my hands and few people have this privelege. I realized that I could start to be serious in writing again! I am now on the "birthing" stages of this "book" that I want to create and it's Sabrina Ward Harrison meets Maya Angelou with a Christian tone, I'm thinking it's gonna take four to five months until I complete it, but my head is just swimming with all the things I want to put in there. I've started on mood pages and sketches and also some pieces of poetry. Then I really am amazed because I have ideas for essays, poems and stories(which I will post here). I am so excited at the stuff I'll be throwing myself into. So many things to write about!

Christian by Maya Angelou

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin."
I'm whispering "I was lost,"
Now I'm found and forgiven.

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need CHRIST to be my guide.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
and need HIS strength to carry on.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
and need God to clean my mess.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
but, God believes I am worth it.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain,
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
who received God's good grace, somehow.

~Maya Angelou~

Of course, you can read my everyday blog, if you want updates on what's happening to me.

Ciao people see you guys soon!

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a long post: pouring out my heart