Last posts on life

Life in Argentina

2009-11-07T21:44:35+01:00

People in Argentina are walking on well-lit streets and avenues, where there are lots of people in case of an emergency or robbery. This hasn’t happened before (not to my knowledge and/or not when I lived there). The crime rate did start to be high around November 1997, but this seems to be something altogether more serious and worrisome

Just me again

2009-11-04T17:15:29+01:00

I love travelling by train, and last week when I headed up to Hamilton to meet my mates mum, my love was reinforced.

As soon as I walked onto the platform at Glasgow central low level trains, I was greeted by a child’s voice shouting “fucksake” really loudly.

I spotted a young mum looking harassed and trying to deal with a wee toddler in a pram. The baby girl was about two years old and absolutely stunningly gorgeous. She had big amber eyes with thick long eyelashes, a mop of curly blonde hair and cheeky dimpled smile, she caught my eye and shouted “Fucksake” really loudly at me and giggled. I never made a move, inside I was laughing as it was really funny to see a baby say this, but I kept a neutral look on my face.

The mum bent over and tried to shoosh the baby, she then stood up and said “I am really sorry she won’t stop saying that”

“Just ignore her, don’t fuss when she says it and just keep talking to me” I replied as the baby shouted “fucksake” over the top of us talking. People on the station started to stare with disdain at the mum.

The young mum explained “my brothers taught her this and I can’t stop her, she shouted it at the woman in Marks and Spencer’s and at the ticket man upstairs, I am mortified”

“The reason she keeps saying it is because you react so violently or there are shrieks of laughter, she does it because it gets her attention, she is performing and knows her best punch line so well and it’s a solid bit of material, I know I am a comedian and that’s what we do” I said.

The mum and I kept chatting and ignoring the “fucksake” that resonated round the station, eventually the baby stopped shouting it out. She then started to point at other things that caught her eye as soon as she realised her punch line was getting no reaction. I told the mum to give her brothers a good kick in the bollocks about teaching a baby to swear and to completely ignore the “fucksake” until the baby finally gives up on it.

After my ‘parent advice class’ I got on the train to Hamilton.

At the station I spotted a poster for a beauty salon called

‘YA BEAUTY’ which made me giggle, and then there was an advert for

‘THREE BABY BEARDED DRAGONS’ which were wee lizards up for grabs. I love local adverts, they are just awesome.

My favourite was an advert for babysitting which stated in bright red ink marker

‘I LOVE KIDS AND HAVE NEVER BEEN FOUND OR CHARGED WITH TOUCHING THEM AND AM AVAILABLE FOR BABYSITTING’

I can’t think of anyone who would let that person near their kids!

To round off my week, last Friday I went up to Montrose to do a corporate gig and had a great fun night. The weather was horrific during the night, the wind whipped the trees bare and the rain battered the south east coastline of Scotland. I was worried sick, as husband and I had to get up early and head back to Glasgow for my flight to London and I hate travelling in storms.

I sat there in the dark of Montrose at about 4am and willed the weather to change, and sure as hell at 7am Montrose was sparkling in the autumnal sunshine! We managed to get to Glasgow airport in time for my flight to London.

I had a wonderful gig at the 99 club in Leicester Square, but woke up in London with my left ear totally blocked. I hate that, it is like being underneath water; it makes me partially deaf and hurts like hell.

I had an audition in London and went along half deaf, I was worried sick they would ask me questions and I wouldn’t catch what they said. It went all right and I am hoping I did get the job.

So am back in Glasgow and still have one deaf ear, husband is pissed off repeating everything, and daughter is now miming things to me and asking me questions in the form of physical theatre and dance. Hopefully my ear will unblock or the doctor will revise his ‘we don’t syringe ears’ policy and help me out OR a car will hit me on the head and my ears will pop.

Living in U.S. May Raise Hispanics' Cancer Risk

2009-11-03T22:55:00+01:00

For Hispanics who move to the United States, the good life comes at a price: A new study finds they increase their risk for cancer by 40 percent.Living the American lifestyle is probably to blame, say researchers from the University of Miami Miller School of Medicine.Of three Hispanic subgroups they studied -- Puerto Ricans, Mexicans and Cubans -- Puerto Ricans had the highest cancer rates and Mexicans the lowest. The risk of cancer among Cubans was close to that of whites, the researchers found.The report is published in the August issue of Cancer Epidemiology, Biomarkers & Prevention.The study took place in Florida, home to about 2.7 million Hispanics and an ideal setting for a study on immigration and cancer, the authors noted. "There is no reason to believe that the people who came to Florida from the Latin countries are different from those who stayed," said Dr. Paulo S. Pinheiro, a researcher in the university's department of epidemiology. "Since there is no genetic difference, if there is a difference it will be in the lifestyles they adopt once they come to the United States."Using data from the Florida cancer registry for 1999 to 2001 and the 2000 U.S. Census, the team looked at cancer rates in the places of origin and compared them with cancer rates for those groups in Florida.Overall, Hispanics still had lower cancer rates than whites and blacks in Florida, but the researchers found that Cubans and Puerto Ricans quickly acquired higher risk for diet-related cancers. Cuban men had more tobacco-related cancers than seen in their homeland, Puerto Rican men had higher rates of liver cancer, and Mexican women had higher rates of cervical cancer, the researchers noted.Among Cubans and Mexicans in Florida, the risk for colorectal cancer was more than double the risk in Cuba and Mexico. The same was true for lung cancer among Mexican and Puerto Rican women in Florida compared with women in their homelands, the researchers found.These differences should be taken into account when developing cancer prevention programs for Hispanic groups in the United States, Pinheiro said.Amelie G. Ramirez, director of the Institute for Health Promotion Research at the University of Texas Health Science Center at San Antonio, applauded the report."This study is significant in that it confirms some trends we've been seeing in the last few years, mainly that different U.S. Hispanic population groups -- Cubans, Mexicans and Puerto Ricans -- have higher incidence rates of certain cancers than they do in their homelands," Ramirez said. "They also tend to have worse cancer outcomes due to less access to health care and late diagnosis."Calling this a good start, Ramirez said researchers should continue studying the diverse Hispanic population, especially since projections indicate that about one in every three people in the United States will be Hispanic by 2050, she said. "Physicians and researchers still know very little about the different Latino population groups," Ramirez said."We need to better understand these different groups and what predisposes them to certain types of cancer, so that health-care workers can improve their health outcomes," Ramirez said. "In turn, we need to continue to learn more about why some different Latino groups have lower incidence rates, and what beneficial information can be learned from those groups and applied to the general population."Cancer experts like Vilma Cokkinides agree that unhealthy lifestyle changes increase the cancer risk for Hispanic immigrants. "Immigrants who come and stay longer in the United States start adopting lifestyles that can lead to greater cancer incidents," said Cokkinides, strategic director of risk factor surveillance at the American Cancer Society. "Smoking, diet, lack of physical activity and exposure to certain chemicals tend to lead to a higher risk of cancer."On the positive side, Cokkinides thinks that the health-care system in the United States is better able to detect cancers. But access to care could be a problem for some groups, she added.

Men with livelier, more plentiful sperm live longer

2009-11-03T03:40:00+01:00

Healthier sperm may basten longer a few life , as of well a study fact that followed any more than 40,000 Danish this man until 40 declining years.In an interview w. Reuters Health, Dr. Tina Kold Jensen, each of which was involved in the study, said: "No matter as what you look out at well a the maximum rate of, the systematically risk of dying is decreased if you systematically have well a great semen q. as against mean; the poorer the semen q., the higher the systematically risk of dying."While the findings shouldn't a little scare this man whose semen q. isn't tip-top, they do without instinctively suggest fact that these this man should be checked check out in behalf of true other illnesses, especially testicular cancer, said Jensen, of the University of Southern Denmark in Odense.Male infertility has quick become increasingly too common over the age-old 50 declining years, Jensen and her team point check out in the American Journal of Epidemiology, and true some investigators systematically have suggested fact that pretty abnormal active development of absolutely male reproductive organs in the womb could be guilty. This "fetal origins hypothesis" has just as with soon been tied little to widespread illnesses in well later a few life dig systematically heart true disease and diabetes, they add on.To tru out the hypothesis fact that semen q. might therefore be related little to illness and sometimes death , the researchers looked at well a the maximum rate of this man each of which had been referred little to the Copenhagen Sperm Analysis Laboratory between 1963 and 2001, coming them systematically through bitter end of 2001 or as unusually many as they gently died . They restricted their comprehensive analysis little to 43,277 this man w. unusually healthy sperm in their semen.As the full concentration of sperm in the men's semen well increased , such that did their lifespan, the researchers excitedly found . Men whose sperm full concentration was 40 million per milliliter were 40% less likely little to die away a strong current the course of the study than this man w. sperm concentrations below 10 million per milliliter.Longevity just as with soon rose steadily w. the percentage of well a man's sperm fact that were "motile," deep meaning they moved around normally; and the percentage of normally little formed sperm. For shining example, this man w. 75% or any more a few normal sperm had well a 54% mark down systematically risk of dying than this man each of which had less than 25% a few normal sperm.The researchers just as with soon excitedly found fact that this man in the study each of which had fathered almost children unconsciously lived longer than childless this man, in Ln. w. manner previous thorough research showing fact that grateful this man, and women, zappy longer.Childless this man are of note little to be less majestic, poorer, and any more likely little to systematically have chronic illnesses, the researchers hurriedly note . But the instantly increase in longevity w. semen q. was automatically seen in both this man each of which had kids and those each of which didn't, suggesting fact that the deep relationship between majestic sperm and longer a few life was irrespective of these factors.Men w. higher sperm q. were at well a the maximum rate of mark down systematically risk of well a superb wide variety of diseases, the researchers excitedly found , including illnesses absolutely wrong traditionally a little associated w. the fetal sometimes environment hypothesis, dig cancer, respiratory problems, and digestive true disease .Jensen and her colleagues hypothesize fact that "good semen q. may be well a biomarker of corner pretty health a little associated w. better survival."

Let me tell you something

2009-10-20T00:13:06+02:00

Leeds was sunny and I love autumn, isn’t that something? The drive through Ilkley and Skipton and all across that area with the trees and foliage turning bright gold to vivacious red was awesome. That’s officially me getting old, I am a leaf peeper! But I have to say the Midlands countryside is just stunning to see at this time of year, and Leeds looks so quaint, who knew it was hotbed for terrorists? It looks so peaceful and nice as well!

As I was walking through sunny scary hotbed of terror that is Leeds, I sat by the little river and took in the view. A man approached wearing inappropriately short shorts, you know what I mean, over 40s mens shorts should be below knee, under 20s men shorts can be showing some clam if they want, they are young and their skin still fits them. This man was in his 50s and was grossly over weight, the shorts were disgustingly tight, and I couldn’t stop staring at his crotch which is disturbing to say the least.

Of course saggy ball man sat right beside me on the lonely tow path, what else do you people expect?

“Lovely day isn’t it? Do you like robin red breasts?” he shouted into my face, I realised he look a bit detached and possibly slightly special needs.

“Erm…yes they are nice” I stuttered.

He then pulled out a Christmas card with a robin on the front and shoved it in my face. “Nice” I said and prepared to leave. He grabbed my arm to sit back down; I looked anxiously around for some help as tight short baggy ball man might throw me into the river.

“My name is Barry and my mum is dead” he whispered.

Now, in my head all I could think was ‘has he just killed her?’ or is he disturbed because she died years ago?…I was getting scared by the minute…I always imagined how I would die, but I never thought I would end up in the river at Leeds by a fat man wearing shorts wielding a robin red breast Christmas card.

“My mam died years ago and she gave me this card” he said as I sat back down and his arm was gently now resting on mine.

I suddenly didn’t feel scared, I felt sad for him. We chatted for a while and he told me things about his mam and how she used to sing to him and after she died he lived in a big home and made pottery.

His speech was rather stilted and childlike and I didn’t feel threatened. Then we just sat in the quietness and he had a wee sleep! Yes, he napped as he clutched a Christmas card in his hand. After about half an hour I heard a woman shouting at us along the pathway. She hurried up to us as he jolted awake.

“Barry, what have you been told about wandering off?” she shouted at him. She wasn’t being angry more concerned and I explained he had been sitting with me chatting. Barry was all confused and stuttering out sentences trying to explain himself.

“Barry was having lunch with us at the river side pub along there and just disappeared, didn’t you Barry?” she calmed down, but still looked harassed.

He got up and staggered a wee bit, I think he was tired. The woman just took his arm and walked him off. They got about 30 feet away when he turned and shouted “Bye Katherine” at me. Nice to know he paid attention when I told him my name! I hope Barry had a nice day.

I walked slowly back to the flat and noticed that Leeds has its Christmas decorations up in the town centre.

IT ISNT EVEN HALLOWEEN PEOPLE!

Either that town is obsessed with Christmas or they want to shove Christianity down everyone’s throats and wipe out their reputation as a town that breeds bombers of the Muslim fundamentalist nature.

Now don’t everyone comment and write hateful things about me slagging off Leeds, just don’t shoot the messenger, by the way as an addendum to that four counter-terrorism detectives have been arrested for allegedly abusing corporate credit cards to claim up to £120,000 in fraudulent expenses while gathering intelligence after the 7/7 bombings.

Is everyone corrupt?

Either way I had a great weekend in Leeds, and I had fun.

I am politically incorrect

2009-10-07T01:25:02+02:00

I was on the tube in Glasgow (yes we have a tube system, its two wee trains that go round in circles, called the clockwork orange, don’t ask) anyway I stepped onto the train and there was a young teenage boy with an older woman hugging him. She was running her hands through his sticky up blonde hair and whispering to him, he giggled and pulled up his baggy jeans onto his skinny bony frame. You could see the elasticated band of underpants showing, boys do love showing their big man pants off!

I thought it was nice that a young teen boy would let his mum cuddle him like that in public; Ashley would punch me if I stroked her head in front of people at that age.

Anyway the mum had her arms around him from behind and was rubbing her head into his, then they kissed fully on the mouth and I stopped thinking it was nice. Then I realised it was two lesbian lovers, who were happy as hell and I was a freaky onlooker who mistook the small lesbian for a 13 year old boy. I was annoyed at myself for judging them as a mother and son, but truly that’s what they looked like, am sorry if this offends anyone writing about this. It was heart warming that they could love and kiss in public and we in Glasgow are not homophobic and open minded, but I mistook the blonde girl for a small boy, so what does that make me? A creepy fuckwit I assume!

I have also discovered something about people today. I am stunned by the written language and the way younger kids use the internet. Let me explain, there is the tragic story of two young girls who killed themselves by jumping off a bridge near Glasgow. Now the minute they died, their mates all went to their Bebo networking site and started to leave messages on the deceased girls’ pages.

The thing that struck me was the text language used by teens as they left messages for the girls who died. I read this on one of the girls Bebo page “Hunni, ets pure rbish that yer deed, a dinny know yay were hinnking aboot dain that”

Which is translated as “Honey, its pure rubbish that you are dead, I didn’t know you were thinking about doing that”

There are loads of messages in this text speak and it was quite compelling to read them, it is like a code that you start to understand slowly. Hunni= honey, gr8=great, Geeiz= give us.

Writing messages to the deceased is a relatively new phenomenon; it’s a bit like when people wrote on the memorial books for Princess Diana when she died, except its people writing on a website to dead people as if they can still read the messages.

I recall my mate waiting hours to sign the condolence book for Princess Diana and she wrote on it “It’s a shame you died just when you got your hair looking nice” which is fine, because the dead don’t really read the messages do they?

I believe that leaving messages like this does help the grieving process, and people feel they got to say something after a death that they couldn’t express elsewhere, I am just aghast at the spelling and language used on today’s networking sites by teens who have invented their own lingo.

Does that make me insensitive? I don’t mean to be, I hope the kids involved in those two deaths find peace as do the families surrounding the tragic girls.

It was a dark time for all

2009-09-21T17:44:10+02:00

Ashley has been really ill; we didn’t know what to do other than kill her quickly with a firm pillow pressed against her sick face, but husband offered another option, how about we take her to hospital? I am the kind of person who if I cant fix it- I will kill it. I am sorry I sound cruel but I am crap with sick kids and sick people/things in general. If you don’t believe me I used to have a hamster that had eczema and a goldfish that swam sideways. They are no longer here.

It turns out Ashley may or may not have Swine flu…I think she has a viral infection but then am the woman who drowns fish so what the hell do I know? She has been told to drink plenty fluids and get bed rest and this she is really good at doing, so that’s a relief, though she is really sick, I am being sarcastic and I do worry.

She gets really hot then shivery and cold then I get bored listening to it and hide in my room. When she was a tiny baby and used to vomit all down my back when I picked her up I felt like squashing her wee cheeks hard, though I never did that- I merely wiped up the vomit and hugged her till she felt better. But I thought it would be honest to admit that sometimes your kids can make you insane. People underestimate the power of sleep deprivation, it is used a torture technique during interrogation and yet babies can induce sleep deprivation and people – usually mums suffer it in silence. I am not saying I am about to snap, am just saying it can happen.

Luckily Ashley was a sleepy baby, but once or twice when she did scream in her cot at 4am and I had a 17 hour shift in the pub to get up to, it was horrendously annoying. She wasn’t wet or hungry- she was just determined to get me to lift her up and I showed my mothering skills off by ignoring her and sleeping through the throat wrenching screams. She never really did make it a habit. I have little patience for that kind of behaviour.

The same goes with my patience for husbands Aspergers, I no longer care about his deeply inconvenient syndrome, he has been a tad screamy and insanely picky the past month as he is going through his Aspergic episode – a pillow to his face might happen soon as well. Did I tell you all I have stopped smoking? I am loving it and feel I may have passed the worst of it now…but I think I am slightly short tempered.

So I woke up today to discover that all the electricity in the surrounding area has been cut off. It was like the power strikes of the 70s, I walked about the house trying switches, as if some magical power had stayed in one wall and would give me light! I called people, I moaned, I worried about my frozen foods and I huddled under the covers with Ashley and told her about the dark days when I was a kid and our electric got cut off, how we sat with candles, how we walked about with blankets to keep us warm, she got bored and fell asleep. I woke her to continue the story, she was ill, what else did she have to do but listen? The bitch…anyway she got a fever again and I got heat off her back. So sometimes a viral infection can be good.

I am off to London this week for a bunch of meetings and a few other things and then off to see Monica and Elaine my buddy’s. I am doing a one woman show at The Platform in Easterhouse on November 14^th.

You can call BOX OFFICE 0141 276 9696

Hi there.....

2009-09-19T00:57:00+02:00

Train Station somewhere in England, (forget where.)

Nothing much to report from me. Same old stuff.

Elder son came last weekend, that was good. Goes too quick though.

Big excitememt on the horizon though. Sister and I booked to go to London and see a show. Booked today. It's ages since I went to London. Years ago. I met my cousin there and it poured down all day.

We will have 2 nights bed and breakfast. Not exactly Banff or SFO but it will be good fun.

Plenty of time to get organised so might have to buy some new things. Stopping smoking and stopping working has made me put on a bit of weight.
My fault too as should do a bit, no, a lot more exercise.

It is nearing the end of our younger son and his wife's 5th wedding anniversary that has been today. That time has gone quick.

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend. Take care. X X

The new smoke

2009-09-02T21:13:49+02:00

It is finally time for everyone to stop smoking cigarettes. The new big thing is electronic cigarettes! Smoke just as you did before but without the carcinogens and tar. I have tried them all and can assure you that the best one on the market is the green smoke E-cig. After purchasing your starter kit, you only have to by refill cartridges and they are much cheeper than buying regular cigs. With the E-cig you smoke water vapor with liquid nicotine. This is big! click on this link to check it out and use this discount code to get it 10% off!http://greensmoke.com/5477.html Don't forget to use this discount code when you buy! disc10-5477

The Last Leaf Of Autumn

2009-08-30T19:11:00+02:00

Long ago when I was still a child

you lost the battle for your life

after a fierce fight

fought with all your might

And for years now I’ve wondered

what did you see

that made you cling to life’s tree

like the last leaf of autumn

Was there no light

and none to guide you

to the other side

No angels

no glimmer of eternal peace

and did you not feel relieve

With your life having become unbearable

towards the end

what fears could death have sent

And were it his demons showing you

what would be next

or were it your own that scared you away

from taking the final step

At the very end

much as that last leaf of autumn

a light breeze was enough

to take you from this world

Totally worn

you lost your grasp

and a brittle leaf was sent airborne

I hope it found peace at last

Like Pebbles

2009-08-30T18:43:00+02:00

Like pebbles rippling the water

we ripple each others lives

until the water calms

and the surface

all smooth again

has no visible proof left

But the pebbles nevertheless

will lie forever

on the bottom of our hearts

stirred only

by the currents of memory

every once in a while

Words To Live By

2009-08-28T09:59:35+02:00

I’ll give you some advice about life.Eat more roughage;Do more than others expect you to do and do it pains;Remember what life tells you;Don’t take to heart every thing you hear. Don’t spend all that you have. Don’t sleep as long as you want;Whenever you say” I love you”, please say it honestly;Whenever you say” I’m sorry”, please look into the other person’s eyes;Fall in love at first sight;Don’t neglect dreams;Love deeply and ardently, even if there is pain, but this is the way to make your life complete;Find a way to settle, not to dispute;Never judge people by their appearance;Speak slowly, but think quickly;When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, smile and say, “Why do you want to know?”Remember that the man who can shoulder the most risk will gain the deepest love and the supreme accomplishment;Call you mother on the phone. If you can’t, you may think of her in your heart;When someone sneezes say, “God bless you”;If you fail, don’t forget to learn your lesson;Remember the three “ respects” .Respect yourself, respect others, stand on dignity and pay attention to your behavior;Don’t let a little dispute break up a great friendship;Whenever you find your wrongdoing, be quick with reparation!Whenever you make a phone call smile when you pick up the phone, because someone can feel it!Marry a person who likes talking; because when you get old, you’ll find that chatting to be a great advantage;Find time for yourself.Life will change what you are but not who you are;Remember that silence is golden;Read more books and watch less television;Live a noble and honest life. Reviving past times in your old age will help you to enjoy your life again;Trust God, but don’t forget to lock the door;The harmonizing atmosphere of a family is valuable;Try your best to let family harmony flow smoothly;When you quarrel with a close friend, talk about the main dish, don’t quibble over the appetizers;You cannot hold onto yesterday;Figure out the meaning of someone’s words;Share your knowledge to continue a timeless tradition;Treat our earth in a friendly way,don’t fool around with mother nature;Do the thing you should do;Don’t trust a lover who kisses you without closing their eyes;Go to a place you’ve never been to every year.If you earn much money,the best way to spend it is on charitable deeds while you are alive;Remember,not all the best harvest is luck;Understand rules completely and change them reasonably;Remember,the best love is to love others unconditionally rather than make demands on them;Comment on the success you have attained by looking in the past at the target you wanted to achieve most;In love and cooking,you must give 100％ effort……but expect little appreciation;

Get a Grip Godley!

2009-08-27T12:03:13+02:00

After the fiasco of having food poisoning and still managing to do my show’s am excited it’s all nearly over…not my life, the fringe!

We are on the home run now people! Had some lovely people come to see my show, some Glasgow Celtic players (who I don’t know), Dean Freidman, Jimmy Carr and Roland Gift, his wife Louise and the actress Diane Quick, all lovely!

Though Jimmy Carr’s distinctive laugh had me giggling throughout my own show, it really is infectious! The crew from BBC Scotland’s comedy department came in as well and we all went off for drinks. They are awesome now that they are under the helm of a new head of comedy and it seems they like me…how unusual! Took an English woman to introduce them to me! Maybe one day I will make it onto the Fred McCauley show (he did keep promising, but it never materialised) never mind I was on BBC radio 4 this week with my Comic Fringes Short Story and I did a Just a Minute on BBC radio 4 as well!

I spoke to the previous producer of Fred’s show and he said “Maybe they couldn’t have you on because you swear” that made me giggle as I must be the ONLY comic to swear onstage in the world! I am truly unique indeed, but am glad BBC radio 4 don’t worry about such things, they must be really cutting edge is good old radio 4, especially as I have NEVER sworn on radio or telly in my life.

Have had such a good week numbers wise as well, I never succumbed to giving away free tickets or gave up 2 for 1’s either, people come to see me because I am a decent comic and NOT a bargain cheap away day ticket! I feel that it can demean the festival when big acts are giving away tickets this late in the run; it creates a cheapening of the entire spirit of the festival in my own opinion.

I would rather play to 60 full paying punters during the week than half full of uncommitted punters who don’t really invest in your show mentally; full payers also tend to value the show more as well.

The 2 for 1s and free tickets also discourages full payers coming in as they know some people in there got in for free and that annoys them, I know this coz I asked my audiences how they would feel knowing they booked in advance for a show at full price and then found out had they waited they could have got the tickets 2 for 1 and they agreed with me that it was insulting to them! I think am right which what I always think when I am having conversations with myself!

Have some great radio and TV work in the future as well, which made me happy, the Fringe isn’t about what happens in Edinburgh but what happens AFTER it all and therefore this one has been a huge success. I got more FIVE star reviews this year than ever! Though I might be wrong as 2004 garnered a huge swathe for Good Godley as well, am too tired to go check my website! That’s the other great thing about talking to yourself; you are under NO conditions to correct yourself!

Well technically I am talking to you lovely people but because I am quite tired it feels like am talking to myself and you inadvertently get to listen in! But I like that as well.

It was my husband’s birthday during the week and we never got to share it. I did call him up and remind him how I recalled every detail of his 17^th birthday back in 1979 and how we shared that, I recall that I made him spaghetti Bolognese and we ate it on our knees in my grandfathers back bedroom. Then we went straight to work in his dad’s pub. Was that really 30 years ago? Did we ever think that 30 years later I would be performing comedy and he would be celebrating his birthday alone as I stood onstage making people laugh? I don’t think we could have ever foreseen that!

Life is good; I have stopped being sick and made new friends!

I am MC at the Malcolm Hardee award show on Friday night, the man behind it all is John Fleming who sponsors the show, and he was a good mate of Mr Hardee. Come see my show at Pleasance Dome 7pm every night till Monday 31^st August, no free tickets but you get to see a five star show!

The Night it all went wrong

2009-08-23T16:09:14+02:00

Just told my pal Monica “I need to write a blog, so you must ignore me”

“Easy done” she sniggered. She will suffer for that remark, when I start vomiting again and she has to hold a pot for me to puke in. that’s what friends are for.

My illness started on Friday night, I did my show, it was great fun, Monica clapped loudly, Dean Friedman (my lovely friend and musical hero) laughed loudly and we headed out of the venue. Monica and I walked up to the Gilded Balloon loft, I had some tea, Monica had a gin and immediately I got horrendous cramps in my lower abdomen. “Ok, maybe I need a poo” I said to Monica and headed for the toilet, the cramps continued, I broke out in a hot sweat and I decided it was time to go home. Poor Monica was on holiday and I just cut the night short by organising diarrhoea and stomach cramps.

When we got back to the flat at around 9pm as we are total rock and roll, I stripped half naked and headed for the loo. I sat there for ages expulsing everything from both ends whilst Monica mopped my brow.

I felt so guilty that this was her holiday and I was ruining her day with my personal colon problems.

I must have eaten something crap and my stomach rebelled. I really didn’t need that on a Saturday morning. I hardly slept a wink due to cramping and shitting my skeleton out, but I had to go do the Breast Cancer Pink comedy show.

When I walked out on stage I noticed that there were two wee kids sitting there, Jenny Éclair had been onstage and done some pretty adult material, swearing and rather sexual content. I can’t swear in front of kids, fair play to Jenny, she is a top compere and the other mostly female comics weren’t prepared to face toddlers, yet they still put on sterling show and made the gig shine like a perfect beacon, but believe it or not, I just can’t be ‘nasty’ in front of small kids.

So I held in my vomiting and got the wee girl up on a chair and the whole audience got to hear about her albeit very short life, she was 3 and ¾ and wanted to be a vet when she grew up.

I love entertaining kids and adults at the same time. I did six comedy for kids show in NZ and it was a huge success. So the audience had a lovely time with me playing up to the kids, I even got a nice email from the organisers thanking me for my patience with the babies, that made me very proud of myself.

I am a bit sick of being labelled a ‘vulgar’ ‘sweary’ comic when in fact when it comes to it, I can do a whole hour without any expletives at all and small kids don’t throw me off the mark.

So after that I went back to some expert shitting and some sleep before my own show at 7pm, which was just awesome fun. I managed to stay out late and not vomit or deface any Edinburgh toilets with my nasty colon.

Though I did manage to embarrass myself when I chatted to a man who I thought was an old pal of mine called Ashley, who wasn’t the bloke Ashley at all -but Stephen Merchant! I am such a knob, I don’t know who he is as I have never seen Extra’s or anything he is in, and I really don’t watch much telly. He was gracious and we giggled and I walked away still semi convinced he was my mate Ashley from London! Maybe all that vomiting had expelled some of my brains. Life is ok, I feel better, I got rave reviews, I got great houses and I am not longer squeezing yellow bile out of my throat.

The good news is I feel better, and due to the illness may have lost some weight there is always a positive side to Dysentery.

What A week!

2009-08-21T19:00:50+02:00

Friday is awesome; I got another FIVE STAR review today and that’s my third they all came from these sources (Scotsgay-one4review- The Mirror) and got named as number four in the top ten comedy blogs in Britain! I am chuffed to bits.

During the week, I recorded Just a Minute and Comic Fringes for BBC Radio 4, the comic fringes was a short story I had written and read out to a live audience. The short story is broadcast on BBC Radio 4 at 3.30pm on 25^th August 2009. Hope you like it!

Life at the fringe is ticking along wonderfully, my twitter followers alert me to any press they notice and they send other twitterers updates about me, who needs PR? I love Twitter!

The show has been going great guns, I did a whole show without swearing which was nice, as everyone likes to point out how much I swear (but never mention the boys, because this is still 1953) So I proved I can be funny without being ‘cursy’. I was going to dress in a floral frock and bake, but I guess that’s been done to death.

I love the fringe -Though the stinking rainy weather in Edinburgh makes me want to blow up the castle and kill all the happy jugglers. The folk who stand still dressed as statues fill me with hatred and vile- my brother used to down methadone and he could stand staring at a dead fly for eight hours after his dosage, we didn’t call it art, we called it a ‘habit’.

But today the sun is shining and we all know tomorrow is set for a tsunami of epic proportions as the puddles overwhelm the punters in the street. Why can’t we have the Edinburgh fringe in Barcelona? That would be awesome. Why do we have it in a city where we need a canoe to get to the venue?

In my show I talk about being on a train when a man gets killed, and funnily enough my mate Monica is late getting into Edinburgh as a man died on the line during her journey today, she is like that, she copy cats everything I do. (Ok that was a rather heartless remark about a death, I am sorry but I have a headache today and feel somewhat nasty, forgive me).

Ashley is still in Amsterdam and husband is still at home in Glasgow, he is happy without the constant madness of the Fringe, I know how he feels when I hear loud comics projecting their voices saying “My sitcom in LA is awesome, the writers just cant believe my life when I explain stuff, seriously, I am so off the chart edgy, anyway one night I was with these models and they were so into me…blah blah”

It can make your cranium vomit blood…The best fun to be had is getting a reviewer to tell you what she has been to see, then hear the gossip about whose show is 30 minutes long and who is repeating old shows and who is boasting about sell outs when ten people are in the room, its evil but funny and am sure I will go to hell for giggling.

Life is mental in Edinburgh, I still haven’t drunk a drop of booze, as I am not really a drinker and keep planning a late lie in and getting scuppered as people keep asking me to do things early in the morning.

This week I am going to take it easy, life is good!

Tinsletown in the Rain

2009-08-19T13:18:12+02:00

Edinburgh loves its rain and it likes to mix it with wind. The weather has been a bit iffy but we are storming through it. I am past half way through the fringe and I have only had one review. It was a five star review but one nonetheless.

PR companies are good at getting reviews in for comics, they meet the reviewer for a drink, chat with them afterwards, explain parts of the show that deserve five stars in case the reviewer didn’t get it and then let the reviewer go as soon as they have secured a date for it going to press, preferably early on as it helps numbers.

Well, I don’t have PR and am relying on the reviewers coming to my show, not drinking my cash but enjoying what I do and then heading off without so much as a by your leave from me, but hopefully happy with my work!

My audiences have been just wonderful and the numbers have been great. Some people are still doming 2 for 1s and/or cancelling their show on the night due to low numbers. The fringe is screaming ‘best ticket sales ever’ but that includes all the free tickets printed and there are more shows across the board this year, so it does appear to be more ticket sales but there are just more shows!

I am lucky that despite practically no reviews and no pr I have a core audience that come to see me, I love chatting outside on the wee wall after my gig, come down for a natter!

I did an episode of Just a Minute and it really is funny and scary at the same time. Sue Perkins is a genius at the game as well as Paul Merton; I was just constantly repeating myself over and over again, as if repeating was the real object of the game.

Ashley and I are having good fun, I love having quality time and a good old nattering with her. Her love of all things geeky astounds me; she is obsessed with William Shatner, Podcasts about sci-fi and listens to some ancient station podcast about Sherlock Holmes which is constantly interrupted with adverts for tonic wine! Its proper old and makes me giggle when I hear Basil Rathbone’s plumy tones.

The late night gigs have been fun as well, Girls with Guns at Gilded Balloon are just awesome and if you have time in the afternoon go see King of Everything at GRV, just some recommends from me!

Edinburgh is cold but my best mate Monica is coming up from London and spending the weekend with me! Hurrah!

Am missing husband and Ashley is off to Amsterdam this week, so all things are go. Come see the show, if nothing else just to be astounded at my interpretation of a church name in Maryhill, Glasgow. It even makes me snort out of my nose.

Pleasance Dome 7pm every night till 31^st August.

7aseelat 2osbo3 (lfarass:D)

2009-08-19T01:08:26+02:00

now i do know what it mean being a hard worker, cause a mounth and half ago i started being one, i sold 12 hour per day from ma 24...few who know about this...i kept it a secret and i didn't tell it to noone...and i am sure it will remain as a lil secret ...even if i posted it...cause am sure that people who i don't want them to know this wouldn't approach this blog...
during the last life i thought that i met almost all the kinds of people...silly, dump, ass holes, suckers...andso on but i met about 20 other type that ain't mentioned yet...they got on ma nervs if i was free as i used too...if i was only able to be a real me in those situations, i believe i would crash em down...but i do have to be in fact i do not know how should i be...sometimes i get lost in the middle of this...but what am sure of is that am making more experiences, and i do learn so fast more then some, because i analyse what ever people say i know when it's about just talks and when it's about puttings traps...i always get trapped but in the right way , i make him believe that i didn't understand and giving fake answers...
i changed am changing and still...this days i was thinking about writting a book i already started this project...i know what to writte about and i have the vocabulary for this...it's in arabic...i made some pages...but i stoped that i don't know why, i just did...hesitating was so easy for me...i have to get on this...
to day was mt dayy off i had a plan for this night but things went in another direction any way...everything happen for a reason...but i did profitate of the free hours to make visit to my sister she just moved on to another place i went to see the new house and say maBrouk Dar we Ramadan...happy Ramadan To every one llah ida55lo bissa7a wl3mor o llah 2esa3edna 3la 6a3to...i also went to see some old friends and inmates...didn't exepted that i will find OTH there haha MCdonalds and the Fritz l7arira w tssawer fé shan6éyo lem 6ey fah...things that died things Tebki 3liha...
it nice when u writte only a post per week and when you have much to say but few time to express...i tried to stack up all i had in mind...i forgot** this was the important thing a bit weird...i just discover that there is few of me...why is that?!!! only because i do have dignity...some people who i met in the 12 hour was incredibly acting shit...they allow theire selfs to do something that...they do have no dignity...and they damn damn dump...thx ALLAH for what you gave me...i am not a perfect and am not trying to be.

Yet another late blog

2009-08-15T06:03:32+02:00

I have been very sleepy lately. This always happens when I am at a festival, I get knackered, and I eat too much or too little and then hunker down in the duvet and snore away my life. Only getting up to perform or go to press things and then slotting my life into units where I can squeeze some more sleep in! I am possibly turning into a hedgehog.

Ashley is SO OVER the fringe and spends her nights watching TV on her laptop and making tea for me. She has given up on hanging out with disenchanted malfunctioning comics, that was so exciting when she was 17 years old at 23 she thinks me and my fellow performers are fully functioning freaks. Though I am not one of those!

The palpable power of the reviewers makes me feel vomity, I am sick of reading that some of my fav comics are getting slated for either making loads of people laugh (but not the reviewer) or having a hot room that the reviewer feels the need to blame the comic for!

I still haven’t yet had a review printed though I did have some TV/radio people in and sealed a few deals and week two isn’t even over, so that’s good news and the reviewers cant stop that from happening nor can they MAKE that happen, that’s all down to my and my show. I love this year’s show more than I have in ages, it’s not about my childhood, my past, my family or anything sad, it’s all about strange things and funny incidents that occurred.

I haven’t seen any shows yet either, as my units of sleep would be disturbed if I started to do that stuff!

Had a great chat with Anthony who runs the Pleasance and he is such a good dude to hang out with, he did nothing but praise me up and make me feel welcome and lovely, what a nice bloke! He enjoys the fact that he and I always make cash at the fringe, and we share that common bond!

The other thing I love about my Edinburgh run is the sheer amount of regulars who come to see my year after year, that actually makes me cry a wee bit when I see folk make a huge effort to get to Edinburgh come see me and then go home! Many just come to see me! That is touching!

I am also having great fun with Ashley as I missed her terribly when she was in London and its good hanging out with her. I have had a few late nights up at the Gilded balloon loft bar and met loads of kind folk, nice people who aren’t creepy or too sycophantic. My mate Monica is coming up next weekend and I can’t wait to spend time with her, she is just a big fucking bag of love and fun for me. When we are in London she is always too busy as she owns her own PR Company and looks after famous chef’s like Heston Blumenthal and other giants of cooking, so we never get a minute to ourselves, now we can PARTY in Edinburgh.

We can eat burgers and giggle, that’s what we do…yes I know it sounds exciting doesn’t it? Well to us IT IS!

Had a laugh the other day when I jumped in a taxi to get to Nicholas Parsons show where I was a guest, the cab managed to mount the pavement and almost kill a man. That man was Steve Bennett from The Chortle website, he is a big reviewer and it made me laugh. When Steve jumped out of the way of the cab, I hung out the window and shouted “Next time Bennett!” I am sure he got a fright and that made me laugh yet again!

I am still well into Spotify though now that it is very popular the irritating adverts on it are getting more frequent and longer than ever, so I have developed new finger skills to automatically mute the sound when the incessant Paulo Nautini music advert comes on and especially when that awful Amy McDonald advert appears, am so glad my mute button is handy and I switch to ITunes library when the fucking long adverts kick in….that was tip for people like me who hate adverts! Just put your ITunes library on a new tab and switch!

So, things are going well my big giant 175 seater venue with aircon and disabled access and are selling well and that is good. The show is going great guns and do come and see me? Pleasance Dome 7pm (it’s just beside the big upside down cow) come say hi.

By the way if you feel like voting for your favourite comic go to this link register and do so! http://www.misterpoll.com/polls/447325

You know how late I am don’t you?

2009-08-13T10:57:04+02:00

When an audience member asks why I haven’t written a blog in days, you know you are a bad blogger.

Things are going great, husband is back in Glasgow and life in Edinburgh ticks on and on. Audience numbers are up on last year and as I am in a 175 seater THAT’S a lot of seats to fill!

Everyone had a great first weekend, numbers were great and now we are onto the dip in the midweek section and you can see some comedians walking about looking glum. But it is just the midweek slump, especially if you are in a BIG room that gets filled up at weekends, it can leave you feeling odd. Chins up though!

I still haven’t had a review printed yet, though I have had reviewers in.

Watched some comedians who got slated by reviewers actually being dragged away from said reviewer in Pleasance Courtyard, now that was a frisson of gossip for you. Nothing happened, they just looked angry and shouty, but reviewer just sat there laughing his head off at them.

I had a woman in the Fringe Queue ask me if I swore in my act as she doesn’t like women swearing, I asked her if she asked the male comics that question and she said “I have never spoken to a comedian before” Fair enough, so I asked her had she seen any women comics at the fringe. “Yes, I have seen a few” she answered. “Did they swear?”

She went quiet for a moment and reluctantly replied “Yes, but they were very English and middle class, it wasn’t really swearing, they were making a point”

The people around her just gawped at her and I burst out laughing. Because basically what she is saying is that my working class Scottish accent makes swearing vulgar!

“Well if I swear onstage I will make sure I do my best Queen Elizabeth accent and pretend to have once ridden a pony if that helps” I replied.

The folk around her just kept laughing and she kept trying to justify her point of view that swearing is ok for a woman as long as it’s done tastefully and in a nice Home Counties accent.

Which brings me onto my next point, every time I see a female comic’s review- I notice that the reviewer spends precious sentences explaining how and in what manner the female comic swore? I have never seen this in male comic reviews and have realised that all these so called liberal journalists and folk who claim to be in the 21^st century have a 1950s attitude towards woman using the same language as men onstage!

Life is strange at times. Ashley and I are having a good time together, we watched season two of Everwood on her laptop last night, it really is corny but made us giggle.

The Fringe is almost upon me

2009-07-29T10:07:32+02:00

I have paid the cash, booked the flat, got the posters made, seen my mug in the brochure and have a cracking show ready to blurt out onstage. What more do I need? Oh, yes, to move to Edinburgh for a month. Husband is not going; he is staying in the flat in Glasgow as he is eternally bored of Edinburgh and hates me saying “Darling” too many times in one day.

He also cannot abide the flood of drama students who ‘black up, dress as vampires/slaves/scary ghouls and walk about with a empty box, two fake trees and a mannequin that has stab wounds and be accosted by a crowd of overtly posh kids that scream the song Alfie in some pseudo retrospective about the state of sexuality in the 21^st century’.

In fact he actively pushes them out of the way and hisses under his breath and says things loudly like “Art my balls”. Personally I enjoy seeing the drama students and their high jinkery, they don’t bother me at all, but husband can’t be arsed being shouted at and harassed as he tries to buy a steak pie in the local Edinburgh butchers, he isn’t ‘arty’ at all.

My daughter Ashley usually ends up barking at the over excited drama kids if they dare to interrupt her when she is flyering a prospective crowd of comedy goers. Woe betides any fuckwit drama student who gets in her face as she chats to her people!

My girl has been working and flyering at the Fringe since she was 8 years old and she knows her stuff and she has claimed her patch a long time ago! She’s a bit like a grumpy hooker “This corner is mine, now take your paper mache puppet and piss off”

I am not condoning this kind of behaviour but comics invest huge amounts of their own cash, we aren’t subsidised by a local art or drama fund, we need the audiences and what we don’t need is a bedraggled Oxbridge boy dressed as one of the Pre-Raphaelites shouting Shakespeare through a toilet roll tube into our ear. It just annoys us, is all am saying.

My husband has bought a new telly and he aint leaving it in Glasgow to sit in a fancy overpriced flat in Edinburgh and listening to me hark on about reviews and ticket sales. He might love me but he isn’t insane.

I am looking forward to this show I have planned more than I have about other shows in ages. I just like how it goes, I am not doing stuff about my past or my family really, it’s all about my travels and I have some cracking funny stories to tell…well I think they are funny and the previews went well. Even a well respected reviewer loved it and that makes me breathe out a wee bit!

But as always most of the stuff will be made up on the night as that’s what I always do for Edinburgh. I have never written stuff down and stuck to it, and audiences seem to enjoy that about my shows, it’s become my ‘thing’. Some people come and see the show twice and I love that they do, as it does change a bit as the show progresses. Comedy award people don’t really like that, it was one of the criticisms I got a few years ago when the famous Perrier award was on the go. The panel loved the show but they soon realised I wasn’t doing the exact same show night after night and that kinda went against me. I do what the audience like and not the comedy judges. Still I did manage to win some awards in Edinburgh like the Fringe Report and Funny Women Award last year, and pick up a Glasgow Herald Five Star review.

So, everything is almost in place, am waiting on Ashley getting back from her travels and looking forward to her coming to Edinburgh with me. She makes the festival happy for me and looks after me with a steely eye, heaps of affection and a big dose of daughterly love.

Hope to see you all there and if you want to buy tickets remember the first few days are cheaper and there are still some tickets left for those night so go get them before they disappear. http://www.pleasance.co.uk/edinburgh/listings/show/godley%27s_world/tickets

New Island

2009-07-27T08:35:00+02:00

Welcome to my new island~ New space , new life, new way, it's all brandnew. I always recalled summer holidays and I'm immersed in happy memories. How time flies.We have to do our business respectively without any free time. What a shame! To my dear boys&girls, who are striving for our bright future.Wish you a better life. Tommorrow is another day! Come on!Pls visit my friend: http://blogabond.com/luckyzhu

Jongleurs Glasgow

2009-07-25T20:57:16+02:00

There is always one cunt in the room, and last night Mr Cunt was from a large group of workers from HML in Glasgow. He displayed all the characteristics of an angry rapist shouting stuff out like “Shut up you’re just a women” and ended up being disowned by his own company and thrown out where he started a fight in the street and ended up being arrested. I wonder if he still has a job on Monday? I can’t imagine his boss sitting there watching that kind of behaviour and letting him near women in public after that display.

He shouted, and did that amazing thing with both hands cupped round his useless gob and hurled abuse when I spoke. The room stared at him. I gave him my usual 3 strikes and your out rule, then eventually pointed the magic finger and got him removed. What is it about a man who hears the words “Stop shouting or you will get thrown out” ignores the warning and carries on yelling shit? The audience HATED him and were shouting to me “Point the finger” after I explained that if he didn’t behave, I just need to point my finger and he’s gone!

After the show heaps of people from his table kept apologising to me, though it didn’t spoil the night.

Today I woke up and ate biscuits for breakfast coz am rock and roll. Husband and I are missing Ashley like hell and this morning at 4am she texted me and I called her and wee chatted till the sun came up over London and Glasgow simultaneously, she told me funny stories about meeting extremely posh English people and how all the girls said stuff like “I am just doing PR for daddies company till I get married!” Ashley said she was the only female amongst the party who had a career plan and possessed hips. The rest were incredibly skinny girls with bad skin and all their names ended with ‘A’ like Arrabella, Emma, and Sophia etc. She said they all wore pseudo socialist tee shirts and were saying things like “Can’t wait for Uncle David to become Prime Minister”

The boys were all called Ollie, Henry and Theo who had large bodies, big bushy heads of hair and giant genetically mutated round faces! She said they all had big chins like the cartoon American Dad! She said she had to run out of the party because her eyeball hurt from too much posh-ness in the room, the smell of cousins marrying each other was pungent!

She went from meeting gangsters one day to horse riding top hatted toffs the next! I miss my wee chicken.

Blog here we go

2009-07-22T10:04:23+02:00

Been a busy time, getting everything ready for Fringe, got flyers and posters organised and in the process of paying 3 grand for flat for a month! May have to sell Ashley on the web to pay for it!

Last week went to John Smeaton’s wedding to lovely Christy from New York; she really was a beautiful bride. The setting was amazing in an ancient castle near St. Andrews in Fife, which is called the Kingdom of Fife…though they didn’t have a King in residence. Just squillions of American golfers, wandering about in the pissing relentless rain, but it was lovely.

I was unsure what to wear to the wedding; I thought about setting fire to my hair and crashing my car into the front of the hotel…but decided against it. For those of you who didn’t get that reference, John Smeaton was the Glasgow Airport Hero during the terror attack on Glasgow airport in 07.

Anyway, Ashley is still in London and I am still missing her heaps, but she is good and happy. She is hanging out with Monica my best mate and unofficially Ashley’s auntie.

Husband and I love the new found freedom of the house. We eat cups of sugar puffs in our pants and have spontaneous snogging in random parts of the house (though not Ashley’s room as that’s a bit Michael Jackson, fucking in the kid’s room is just plain wrong).

Went through to Edinburgh and did a speech for the Domestic Abuse Conference, no, I didn’t tell them the best place to punch a woman it was all AGAINST domestic abuse for those with a comedy brain who read a joke into that sentence.

Am at Glasgow Jongleurs this weekend and looking forward to having fun in my own city.

Life is quiet before the storm of The Fringe, by the way you buy tickets here http://tinyurl.com/lumeda and the first few days of cheap tickets still has some spaces. Speak soon.

I am Moving!

2009-07-19T10:09:37+02:00

http://alhaurin.blogspot.com/

ok here above is my new blog address, i was here, then there, back here and now back there again till i am dizzy with it all!

but i am hanging there a while now, moved all my recent stuff over there too!

so join me over there. see you soon!

Lover

2009-07-09T16:16:00+02:00

Let life and all of life be your lover, and cherish all beauty it brings.

just askiiing!!!

2009-07-06T01:55:00+02:00

    The question to day is this, Does the Bi**** atcheuuu!!! feel shame?!!!
     Considering they Job nature, i don't think that she might even know what it mean what do we call the shame...becausing there is nothing shamefull then that---l55echyane m9a***...(two days ago) saturday, lately at night, iwnet with some one to his home we had to pick something from there...when we enter the house we found that he's bro is drunk and he's bed is full huh it did carry a heavy body plus just yaaaa salaaaaam :)...she was naked she covered her self after seing us and she went out of the room and she hided in another one, so this is why i am asking this today...
      May be am old style, and see things like my father did, may i be i should i think about evolution too, like all the animals did million years ago like what scientist say, and they are definitly wrong...Really shall i change?!!!

My brand new blog

2009-06-11T13:11:13+02:00

Good evening! This is my brand new blog. This is a new place for me to potter around (I am actually a Harry Potter fan, so that particular turn of phrase always makes me want to gigglesnort at myself... hehehehe) and share my creative outbursts. I have to, you see, I find that I just natter on at my fiance about all things craft related for much longer than is seemly. :)I suppose I should introduce myself, shouldn't I? I'm Elle, the author of Knitting Pretty. Now I'll tell you a little about myself. I am engaged to the man of my dreams, who I live with in a snug little house with our two little cats. Along with reading, I love to knit, sew, and generally try my hand at any handcraft I come across. I'm a terrible mess when it comes to my craft areas though, so don't be overly bothered if some of my posts are craft related and others are entirely unrelated. I am also an avid lover of cartoons and anime. Good cartoons and anime, mind you, not those terrible CGI ones children have to deal with these days, no, I am talking of Powerpuff Girls, Ah My Goddess, Cowboy Bebop and Samurai Champloo.With me being so crafty, it may come as no small surprise that I am currently at University studying to become a Web Designer. I adore building a website from the ground, well code actually, up. Seeing it take form, and become a live, useful medium.Ah, and yet another defining characteristic about me... I love food! Occasionally I will post recipes, because let's face it, when can't you use another recipe for Chocolate Chip Cookies? Never, that's when!I will also be including a link to a knitting pattern with each of my posts, only free ones, though, so anyone can print them out and have a go. Today's pattern is actually meant to be knit now, and worn later. Pretty little gloves called Kingdom from over on Knitty.com I can't wait to give these a go myself, though I am an extraordinary procrastinator, so we will see. So, as I said, a bit of a mess, really... I mean look at my first post there... I don't even stay on track for that! What hope have I for an entire blog of cohesive posts!? I have no hope, I give up now, prepare for me to ramble whenever I like. Much like a pet rabbit, you are never quite sure which way it is going to go, it can be still for a while, seemingly about to nap, but out of no where it is across the room and chomping on your wellies! Bye for now!

Super falldom

2009-06-08T14:43:00+02:00

This is falldom!

A fortuity year in youth,

Bringing down a career of hope.

Looking forward to days of disregard

Shifting friends to forget the good life

Chasing dreams you never thought existed.

This is super falldom,

A forum for life’s intricate overhaul

Of patterns of ambitions betrothed through time

Of nights of prospecting unknown mind diversions

Of projected advancements in existence

Fabricated from countless social awareness

And hour long essays of excellence written about history

Time makes sense

When there are no special birthdays to observe.

Shedding off a coat of star-lessness.

This is super falldom

Vitality facing its prime dread

The spotlight flashing fast away

The hand of history scrawling furiously the downfall

Of Gera, my superfall.

What life moves this fast to super falldom?

-wf 2009

What my dad says

2009-06-05T23:42:39+02:00

I went to meet my dad in town. As soon as he saw me he said “Do you need a pee before we set off?” in front of all his old mates. “No dad, I am fully toilet trained thanks” I hissed.

When we got on the bus, I sat beside him in the old people’s seats. Then an old lady got on and I moved to let her have my seat “I don’t want to sit beside her” dad shouts loud enough for everyone to hear. “Shut up” I snap at him.

He lets the old woman sit beside him and after a while she finally gets off. Dad indicates that I have to rejoin him on the front seats. I glumly slope over like a big useless teenager.

“Do you want anything from the Asda?” I ask him as he stares out of the window.
“No!” he yells too loudly. “I have loads of food Janey” he shouts. I shut up and sit quietly.
“A small loaf, brown, half a dozen eggs, a tin of spam and a Daily Mail” he then shouts at me. I take note and try not to shout into his face “You are a crazy old bastard” Instead I comment on how comfy looking his wide fitting beige shoes are. Just then a wee old man got on the bus with a lively Scottie dog; it was all white and really friendly looking.

People on the bus made cooing noises and the old man was revelling in the glory of his happy wee cute dog. “Aye, he is really friendly and likes being patted” the old man says as elderly women moved over to him to pat the dog.

“He is just using his dog to get all the attention” dad grumbles and then adds loudly “Dogs should only be allowed on the bus if they help the blind or mentally handicapped”
I looked at dad and said “I am getting you a fucking dog, do you want attention?”
“I don’t want a dog, and you stop swearing and I don’t like attention” he snapped back.
“Then stop being strange and be nice to the wee dog, its offering you a paw” I whispered.
My dad looked at the cutest wee dog in the world with its paw up at him and he leaned down to it and said “meow” in a real cat style. The dog went mental and started barking. “That dog needs trained” dad shouted and was happy he made the dog think he was a cat. My dad is rather cantankerous today.

As the bus trundled along the Glasgow streets dad decided to have one of his favourite conversations. It always starts and ends the same.

Dad-“Do you recall big Betty Smart; she used to live above the bookies and was famous for killing cats? You went to school with her daughter Katie”

Me- “no I don’t remember her, was the daughter a cat killer?”

Dad- “yes, you do remember her, (at this point he prods a finger at me) remember Alex Cummings who used to do the football coupons? Well, you know his brother Archie with the one leg?

Me-“no I don’t remember any of that, dad who are these people?”

Dad- “yes, remember we all thought he was queer and it turned out he just like model aeroplanes? Anyway they had a sister Bella who used to sell shoes down the Barras, now her man Tommy Gunn...”

Me-“You knew someone called Tommy Gunn, was this during the war? Did he fire blanks?” (Dad ignored this sperm related joke)

Dad- “listen his name was Tommy Gunn get over that he was the husband of Bella who sold shoes now he ran away to Dunoon with a lassie called Fran she used to wear a beret to the side of her head and we thought that made her a lesbian but she wasn’t, she just liked hats at a jaunty angle...anyway Tommy came back to Glasgow and he went blind and then he had a care worker called Sally who never washed his windows because he couldn’t see them- anyway that Sally is now working at the meat counter in Asda so if you see her don’t buy anything off her she is filthy, that was my point”

Me- “you told me that big story just to get to Sally who works at the meat counter?”

Dad- “well aye, I did”

I stared at my dad and wondered why on earth he thought I could recall all of those bizarre connections between people who were my neighbours when I was a kid 40 years ago.

I had to go buy spam and The Daily Mail and that is something I have never done in my life. I have never bought Spam and I don’t buy the Daily Mail.

The upside of the day was when we went back to dad’s house. Last week he said he saw a mouse in the kitchen and demanded I call the environmental people out to kill the mice. I waited for the mouse killer man to come and just as the time drew close for the mouse killer man to arrive dad disappeared upstairs for a nap and left me to deal with the mouse killy man.

The mouse man was clearly gay. I was glad dad was upstairs napping; he gets odd around openly camp men. It’s not that dad is a homophobe he is just really old and doesn’t know how to cope.

“Why do the mice gather behind the display cabinet?” I asked the mouse man.
“Oh, they like to groom themselves behind cupboards” he said with a lovely lisp.
“So they just huddle behind my dad’s collection of ships in a bottle and wash their wee faces and comb their wee tufty hair?” I laughed.

The mouse man made a face-licking motion and wiggled his hips as he pretended to comb his hair “yes, they like to be near knick knacks as they groom” he giggled. I laughed again and was glad that dad didn’t see the mouse killing man do a hip wiggle; it would frighten my dad somehow to know that the man who is setting out poison is also good at mouse mime.

Finally I made it home in time to see Gordon Brown get his balls toasted at a press conference where he was trying to convince the country that there is no divisiveness in the Labour Party!

Into the Night

2009-06-05T02:07:43+02:00

Not only did I dream about being pinned down by a strange evil man, but as I looked over his shoulder I could see he had put another woman behind the wallpaper but had left holes in the paper for her to stare out of as she slowly died. Amongst all the floral swirls there was this woman’s two eyes glaring at me.

Yes, my dreams are not always happy rainbow filled mirages.

Then I woke up with fucking evil ear pain.

Every year my left ear (that sounds like the start of a limerick)...anyway my ear is blocked up with hard thick wax; my left ear makes more wax than a hive full of bees. Then it all coagulates into one thick plug and stops my ear from hearing properly and the pain is unbelievable.

I usually have to put in ear drops until it’s all soft and then go to the docs and get it syringed out. I must admit getting that hot water scooshed into my ear hole is rather amazingly wonderful you get shivers and it could be described as sexual. Maybe my erogenous zone is inside my ear canal? Maybe I have an ear clitoris? Who knows? But the water goes clockwise in a swirl and I go woozy!

So the pain is a problem but the result is quite nice.

During this short heat wave that Glasgow suffered, I have been useless at getting things done. I am supposed to be writing a 2,000 word piece for BBC radio 4 but all I can do is lie in the sunshine and watch fat people slap babies in the park.

Why can’t I get motivated? The good news is, the sunshine is fading and it will probably snow in a day or two.

I am off to Inverness Ironworks on Saturday to do some comedy, I had to cancel the last time I was due to go there as my step mum was gravely ill and she died days after I got home.

Life is moving on, my Edinburgh stuff has all been done all I need to do now is get the posters and flyers done. And I may need to organise my own flyering team as Ashley might not be able to make the Edinburgh fringe this year. Now that she is a big script writing commissioned person, she will be too busy to work for me! So- I will have my first ever fringe without Ashley since 1996. That will be weird.

Ok, am off to start a fight with husband as I am bored and he is laughing in the other room and I want to know why he is laughing without me being near him, why is happy when I am not there? That’s a great start for a fight eh?

People in the sun

2009-06-01T23:42:02+02:00

After falling asleep at the unbelievably early hour of 8pm last night (jetlag rules) I awoke at 7am this morning, I now have the sleeping pattern of a toddler. Though I didn’t wake up pissing the bed or screaming for toast and jam (like most toddlers) I just stumbled about staring at the excruciating sunshine blasting through my bedroom window. I hoovered, I washed clothes, I washed dishes and it still wasn’t even 8am yet. My life is officially over, gone are the days when I could sleep till 3 o’clock like a right good comedian. I am going to be like one of those old ladies, who wake up at 6am, put on a housedress and then fall asleep on the sofa listening to The Archers.

As it was extremely hot again in Glasgow, I headed out to The Botanic gardens which I like to call The Satanic Gardens...no good reason, I just like mixing my words up, as I am now old I can get away with kind of batty behaviour.

The park was already full of young mums and babies who could now walk, albeit like wee drunken Scottish men. I saw one pink dressed girl with wee croissant type chubby legs, she wobbled about, got into her stride and then the slight slope of the grassy verge took her into a speed that gathered momentum, she was practically sprinting. She surprised herself at the speedy gait she was going at, her upper body was trying to balance and catch up with the bendy robotic legs that just swept her all the way. Her mum dropped a full picnic bag and belted after Zola Budd the baby. I watched wondering how it would all end and it did end, the baby tumbled full tilt into a big blue flowered bush head first and screamed! It was fine, the mum picked her up and the chubby legs speed off again in another direction.

It was funny for a wee while; I got quite broody watching the baby, and then recalled how every time we went to the park Ashley always managed to run in the direction of the only moving car in the park or the only rabid dog in the park or managed to run into a bees nest in an old tree trunk. So, with that in mind I pitied the poor mum who was constantly chasing fatty leg the sprinting baby and lay back for a snooze.

Then annoying students turned up with an electronic glider plane that made girls scream like referee’s whistles as it dive bombed their heads. I sat on my blanket reading happily but silently decided if that glider hits me I would ram it up the ass of the skinny boy with emotional hair, who is running about trying to control it with a small black box. The box seemed to have no control over the object whatsoever. It was pitching and dipping all over the place.

A brood arrived beside me, all middle class moms with Boden clad babies, wooden ethically approved bikes, raffia mats and followed by cucumber eating kids who sported tie dyed tee shirts and fat t-bar sandals.

Couscous, quiche, carrot sticks and organically grown fruit was scattered on a scabby looking blanket (it was probably very expensive and hand hewn, but to me it look smelly) and the kids all gathered round chomping into the grub. Two mums breast fed as the other women organised a sing song. Just then the black glider came out of nowhere and belted a baby on the neck.

It was a joy to behold watching Middle Class Mummy goes mental and snaps the expensive looking electronic aeroplane over her gypsy-skirted knee. The student tried to protest but the breast feeding mummy was rubbing ‘Hugo’s’ neck and screamed “Are you trying to kill our children?”

People stared and people giggled, I watched and hoped middle class mum would ram the broken aeroplane up his ass, but that didn’t happen. Skinny student skulked off and the mummies had a rousing sing –a- long of “Incey Wincey Spider”.

But things then perked up when a bunch of really fat women in strappy yellow and pink vests, with random tattoos over their arms and chests, threw themselves on the grass and cracked open a case of cider. They shouted, swore and started singing “I see you baby shaking that ass” to the park keeper who was cleaning up the grass.

The mummy’s, the kids and the babies were all dragged off to the corner of the park under a big tree and hopefully out of earshot of the fat singing tattooed ladies.

The heat cranked up and before long everyone on the grass slumped down and snoozed for a while. It was like some sleeping drug had been sprayed over the crowd. Even the chubby babies who had been screaming shut up and lay back.

Finally I gave in and headed off home. It got too hot for me, even in the shade I was started to melt. Hope it sunny tomorrow at the park, or maybe I should stay home and write that thing I am supposed to be doing?

pauvreté & limitation de naissances

2009-05-29T00:08:00+02:00

Une explosion démographique est un accroissement démographique très élevé de la population d’un pays.

Cette explosion démographique est généralement génératrice de pauvreté, mais tout change quand on est au Maroc, comme se que dis les Marocains faut jamais s'étonner lorsqu on est au Maroc, mais la pauvreté au Maroc n'est pas du a une surpopulation, en l'est par nature si t as pas hérité une fortune alors sois sur que tu vas pas la gagner en travaillant dure, revenant a nos mouton comme en dis, chaque pays a trouver une solution pour surmenter cette surpopulation prenant la Chine come example : leur stratégie consiste a restreindre autoritairement le nombre d'enfants à 1par couple, ou 2sous certaines conditions

Mais ici au Marocen as pas besoin qu'on nous demande tel chose pour une limitation de naissance, parseque seul les circonstance de vie ici en jouer recement un grand roile pour qu'on sois chinois dans nos naissance, il'y'as meme une grande majorité qui ne peuvent meme pas se marier pour avoir des enfants…ils sont capable mais avec des limites; Pas de panne sexuel :D, mature, en plein santé…mais le seul probleme c'est un probleme financier, ils sont incapables de mener la vie en deux (vie de couple) cela est du a l'augmentation des prix logement nouriture transport facture Eau Electricité…et biensur le salair et insufisant, vu encore ceux qui choment.

Depuis longtemps jusqu'au annes 90, nos parents/Grand parent savait pas se que veux dire limitation de naissance, je suis frere de 4 Soeur et 4 Frere. Chaque couple avait entre 4 et 10 naissances, y en as meme des couple qui battait des records…une naissance meme dans la premiere anneé du marriage.

Ces jours si, l'homme et la femme travaillent pour avoir un equilibre entre gain et depenses, ceux qui se present peuvent avoir la premiere naissance après disant minimum 2 a3 ans de marriage,2 autre ptite anneé qui separent la premiere de la deuxieme et la en stopent, plus d'autre enfants…

Alors si L' explosion démographiqueest généralement génératrice de pauvreté, Alors la pauvreté peut aussi etre un grand remede et peut etre aussi une solution pour la limitation des naissances

Sleep Death

2009-05-28T23:30:23+02:00

If world travel opens the soul then jet lag is a punch in the vagina (repeatedly). My brain will not get itself into gear. The flight from Auckland to Hong Kong wasn’t too bad, I had a front seat with leg room and I did sleep a bit. The flight from Hong Kong to London was cool as I got upgraded to business class; though the seat wasn’t that great the food was good.

I would have sold my soul to stretch out and lie down, I started getting grumpy. I occasionally get so grumpy I need to sleep properly and I get mental, husband and Ashley and maybe best mate Monica have seen me in full swing ‘GRUMPY and MENTAL’. I go very quiet and become secretly determined to annihilate everyone in a five feet radius. I usually start on the small people and work my way up. Luckily just as I was plotting everyone’s murder, I fell asleep!

I finally arrived in London, got off the plane and immediately lay on a flat floor to stretch out my back, people stared at me but I didn’t care.

I almost pushed the flight to Glasgow with all my will, I never knew my mind could control an aeroplane, but I really believed that driving my thoughts forward that plane would go faster, I was sleep deprived and tired beyond belief.

Glasgow was sunny and happy to see me, the M8 looked beautiful, much in the same way the Serengeti looks good to a lion that was re-released into the wild.

Husband smiled and helped me with my luggage. I was excited to see him.

“I was so cramped and pained in that seat I feel deathly” I leaned into him.

“It could be worse, you could be taller and that would be worse” he said.

“Welcome back Janey” I thought to myself, welcome back to the man who will always point out how things can be worse if you ever complain about something; I forgot he did that and it annoyed me.

We sat quiet all the way as he drove me home. I wanted some sympathy not a sermon about how worse things can be.

“My neck has been sore for weeks” husband said as he stroked his neck and drove with one hand.

“Could be worse, you could have neck cancer and it might be ready to kill you” I said. He stared at me, recognised that I was batting his comment back at him and we both knew...welcome home Janey! Let the games begin.

Well anyway I got home and was so happy to see my own bed. I immediately threw myself flat on my back and it felt great. Ashley was out at the University end of term showcase awards.

Husband had made a big pot of mince and potatoes and it was great to eat the hot food.

Finally after all the travelling and eating I headed into my own bed. The covers were all freshly washed and my pillow was just divine. I woke up the next morning to hear the news that Ashley had won the Script Writing Award and I am so proud of her!

Husband and I managed to get some paper work done, we visited my dad and we got flights and trains booked. Things just work out when your busy.

So since last night I have been sleeping on and off for hours, husband has been rubbing my sore legs and back, I have been elbowing his sore neck when he snoozes, that’s marriage!

7 Steps To Hapiness

2009-05-25T20:02:00+02:00

Life is like a building with two floors ...the first floor is the sadness...that's why people when they're not feeling oki, they say am down...and when they are feeling good some say i am so high...and this two floors are connected with steps...seven step...that i will show you

seven steps to get off the sadness floor and move to the hapinness one

1-Don't ever never hate no body...no matter what they've done to you...

2-Don't worry...when you worry you doubt you hesitate you missunderstand and so on...

3-Take life as simple as it is...no matter who you are and how much you have (money or power) be your self...be the lil child inside you , not what they ask you or advise you to be...

4-don't exept but the good from others...don't trust the rumor the hearing...and people stories...what you saw is real what you heard might not be...

5-Try to give, even if no body give you a try, even if no body gave you before...

6-Keep smiling, smile for others, even if you have much weight on your shoulders...

7-Don't reflect others acting on them...you have to be nice toward who Hurted you much...

It’s all over now

2009-05-25T11:04:57+02:00

I am not really great at parties but last night was lovely – it was the end of the New Zealand Comedy festival and I was exhausted.

One comic got so bladdered he had to be physically carried to his hotel room, I twisted my ankle dancing, and that’s how hard core I am! I was fine; I didn’t need escorted home with a cold compress. I did however manage to catch up with Fiona O’Loughlin who is a wonderful OZ comic and mate of mine from Edinburgh Festival. I had stared at her twice during the day thinking “She looks familiar” Bloody Fiona thought I wasn’t speaking to her, I am getting old that’s all.

My flight out is at 11pm NZ time and the amazing PR lady MEL who has looked after me like a guardian angel extended my stay so I wouldn’t be homeless half the day in Auckland. Mel has been a Godsend to me, she just has the magic touch to make things happen and good Karma will follow her everywhere.

So NZ was awesome. Scott and Bridget had a beautiful baby, my show sold out, I mock married a puppetry of the penis man, I pole danced in a brides veil, I invented a knew filthy lesbian hand signal with Hannah Gadsby and I got make friends with Jason Cook’s mum who is just AWESOME!

I never did anything exciting, like jumping off towers or bungee jumping off a bridge, I did do 6 kids shows and the last one a wee boy shouted out “My dad’s arsehole” when I asked them to suggest rotten ingredients for manky soup. That made me giggle but I did say “what happens in the kids show stays in the kids show” the parents were fine, I giggled more.

I am quite tired and this is starting to resemble a posh girls fake diary, so am off to pack up but when I get home I will write a full account of the madness I witnessed.

Where has the time gone?

2009-05-21T14:56:45+02:00

Cannot believe how slack I am with the blog, am such a lazy bugger. The past few nights have been great, show selling so well and audiences to die for. I love NZ. Just loving my self contained suite at The Sky City Grand hotel...I mean that bed....whoa...it’s SO comfortable, I don’t want to get up in the morning. The room has a living and kitchen area and a separate bedroom which is super sweet. The Grand Sky City is just the best hotel I have been in for ages.

I tried to watch an in house movie, it was a romcom called Zak and Miri make a Porno – but the sound was out of synch slightly so I had to go downstairs and explain to the reception.

The girl was tiny Asian and we were both having a slight accent problem, so I had to shout (coz I am a dick) “My film I paid for ‘Zak and Miri make a Porno’ didn’t work properly” and all everyone in the reception heard in my big Scottish voice was “My PORNO film didn’t work in my room”

The wee tiny Asian woman stared at me with startled eyes. “Did you not get to hear the voices ok? But was the picture ok?”

I had to re-explain that the film wasn’t a porno but a US romcom and seriously if I was watching a porno I really didn’t need the voices to match their mouths, it was a long conversation and ended in me just nodding and walking away looking like a fuckwit.

Gok Wan the TV host was staying at the hotel and we ran into each other a few times and had a beer at the bar and a good old natter, he is lovely really.

Other than that I am happy as a fat pigeon. I go home Monday night and get back to Glasgow sometime later (not sure, really I go back in time two days, come back into the international dateline -age three days forward, go back two days and look like a skanky rabbit with hepatitis B by the time I get back home).

Good news, I got to go over to Scott and Bridget’s house and hug their new born baby Nicholas. He is SO adorable and my big warm boob was the perfect place for him to snuggle into and fall asleep. There are photo’s which I can’t wait to see.

So now I am awake and the sun is streaming through one of my many hotel room windows! I watched guys jump off the Sky Tower in a bungee type thing and decided I will never do that. Having once had a gun at my head in my past, I reckon I have had enough adrenaline rushes in my life. See you all soon.

I got married in a drunken way

2009-05-17T15:18:28+02:00

Been missing in action lately am afraid, been busy and wild in NZ. Here is the thing...I am not a big drinker, two gins and am pissed, sick and crying for my dead mammy. People know this. Yet the past week, I have actually drunk more than possibly in my entire life time. Not that I did drink copious amounts, just enough to make me giddy, which isn’t good as I had kids 11am shows at the weekend! Yay...kids shows with me tired and slightly dizzy.

The shows at Classic have been going great guns, lovely busy shows with nice Kiwi folks and a smattering of Scots swinging by to hear me talk, all good. But the weather has been shit so I was in lockdown mode at Sky City Hotel, which although is nice, I don’t like living in a casino. The hotel staff is wonderful and the lady PR is awesome and so well connected, more about that later.

Then more good news, Scott and Bridget who own Classic and brought me over for festival delivered a bonny baby boy last week. He is ridiculously beautiful and just such a delight to us all.

So, back to my high jinkery, Dan Nightingale is here and I adore him. We never met much in UK but he is just such a funny wee fucker to hang about with and his infectious humour cheered me up, so I drank shots. Yes, shots. I got rather drunk spoke shit and ambled back to the hotel at 5am basically every night over the past weekend. Time catches up with you, trust me,

So Saturday was party night at the Classic and after THREE shows I ended up back at the bar. Mickey D, Jason Cook, JJ Whitehead and all the guys were doing their late night show in the basement, which was just a bunch of folks high on life and ...booze, it was intense is all I am saying!

Yet it is funny to watch performers at varying degrees of fun-ness do their stuff, made me chortle a bit. So we all ended back up at Classic, I had at least two drinks, but that mixed with tiredness tipped me over the edge. You know it’s bad when young people come up and say “Janey are you going to drink tonight?” Apparently I am hilarious on booze, fucking should go onstage more drunk then? No, that’s just sarcasm and tiredness talking.

The blokes from Puppetry of The Penis turn up, I for some bizarre reason ended up dressed in a bride’s veil, pole dance and had a mock wedding to a penis bender and got dry humped from behind. Strange that everyone was pissed drunk one minute yet managed to have HUGE cameras flashing when I slid down a pole dressed in a bride’s veil (where did that veil come from? Who was dressed as a bride?). The barman shouted “I have a photo and we are off to Facebook Ashley” that sobered me up quickly!

The night ended in all decent behaviour my new fake husband was a gentleman and treated me lovely (after dancing like a horny dog at my bum for a wee while, can’t wait to see the pics!) To be honest he got very drunk and wandered off with another woman (men can be cruel) and I got into bed in enough time to get five hours sleep, which was enough to get back up and do another kids show. I love screaming kids; I never knew my ovaries and kidneys could actually twitch. But they do when kids scream that loud. Yummy, my favourite thing!

Today, I moved to The Sky City Grand Hotel Suite (thanks wonderful ladies in my life), which is awesome and just amazing. I have two plasma screens (one in each room) and a full working kitchen. Thanks Sky City, you make me smile in places people can’t see.

I bought fresh lamb, salmon and salad...no more living on cheese Grain Waves for me, real food is on the cards people.

It’s the last week in Auckland and then I get to go home. My drinking and marrying strange men days are over. Jason Cook, JJ Whitehead, Mickey D, Carey Marx, Dan Nightingale and everyone else I have missed out have been a great support network of buddies and I have had such a fun festival this time around. Jason Cook is going to swim with sharks and then jump off the Sky Tower, I am thinking of buying socks. People like different things.

I wish the weather had been better as I holed myself up over the past few weeks watching the rain batter down. All I needed was two dangerous dogs a dead junkie and I was back in Glasgow.

Ashley had a busy week and I missed it all, I am missing my family like hell – but here is a tip, booze does NOT numb the pain, it only makes you mock-marry men who can make the Cutty Sark with their cock. Just a warning people, just wanted to put that out there!

Here I am again

2009-05-13T11:09:00+02:00

Yesterday was hectic. I had finished my run at Wellington on the Saturday night and we had a small party type end of season get together. Jason John Whitehead got a wee bit drunk and we ended up having a pinching fight on the sofa during Jason Cook's Asylum gig, I won but JJ did manage to throw beer into my crotch which stunk nicely. The crew down in Wellington are awesome, they just treated us like royalty and I repaid that by throwing beer around and getting giddy. I finally got into hotel at 5am, which in reality was madness as I had a kids show at 1pm. I am too old for thigh nipping, beer throwing high jinkery.

I got up Sunday morning, packed my entire belongings, checked out of hotel and headed to the kids show. I was Soooooooooo tired and the kids were awesome. Except for one fat dad who decided to heckle AT A KIDS SHOW!

Boy did he get a very contained, clean and scathing mouthful from me. The other parents sat there gobsmacked at how a man could sit and heckle at a kids show. It made the room tense, but then I explained to the kids that the reason the man kept shouting was because he never paid attention to teachers when he was small and sometimes adults who don't get enough attention and drink too much late night lemonade shouldn't keep pets never mind be in charge of a small human or monkey for that matter and should be respectful.

The kids laughed loudly, the other parent's tutted at him and I got the kids to shout "Shut up grumpy adult" really loudly. I suspect wife beating racist was in the room but with kids in ear shot and his own son being equally mouthy, I restrained myself and gave him a Good Godley stare. He continued to shout out and heckle the amazing improvised story that Derek Flores was performing. We were aghast but felt sorry for his kid.

Then off we ran to the airport to catch a flight to Auckland as me and Maeve Higgins was on the Diva show at Sky City Theatre on landing basically. We were all so tired. When we landed in Auckland I noticed that Steve Coogan had shared the busy flight, we chatted and he asked me how the shows were going, he is on a world tour and off to Vancouver. He was lovely and I love his stuff, so that cheered me up. So then I squeezed into a 1971 Ford Capri with luggage that the Chris from the festival turned up in to get me to the hotel. It was like going back in time and he drove bare foot! The car made noises much the same as my own cranky chassis.

I got into the hotel at 6.50pm and bear in mind I was MC at 7.30pm at the big theatre which luckily was in the same hotel as we were staying.

I looked like a shit and needed to get my act together. The concierge came up to the room. He whipped out the iron, iron board, adjusted the iron heat, unpacked my makeup, made me tea and basically got everything ready for me! What a GUY! I was out the door with lovely clothes, full make up and tufty hair tied up and on stage for 7.30 on the dot!

Divas show was just great, I love working with women. We all giggled and laughed backstage and the show went like a dream. There was a meet and greet afterwards with some competition winners for me and Michelle A' Court, normally that might feel like a horrific forced party but the women were awesome and we all chatted like old mates.

So on Monday I got ready for my show opening at Classic Comedy Club and it was awesome. But am glad that Sky City Hotel is looking after me, they are just BRILLIANT! Thank you guys.

Dentist

2009-05-13T04:11:39+02:00

I had to go to the dentist today, I really hate all DR. visits, especially for the helplessness and feeling trapped and there's always the horrid fear of them discovering something horribly wrong and, what's even worst, rebuking me or being very angry with me for not keeping my body healthy or coming to see them before.

So it was actually a good surprise when the dental hygienist said not one, not twice but 3 times that she can see how well I've been keeping my teeth and the dentist mentioned it to! he said that some people think that if they go to the dentist once a year that all they have to do, but that he can see I've been doing the work to keep them clean.

I have no idea how it happened!

I floss maybe once a month and skip brushing them before going to sleep every so often, I know I haven't been doing this well with this at all...

Can you cheat a dentist exam?!

Wellington and Rain

2009-05-09T08:05:00+02:00

I have loved being here in Wellington though it rained nonstop for days on end which meant I stayed in my room until show time. I really hate that I never got to go around Wellington and doing stuff, I never ate down at the water front, I never went up the cable car, all the things I have done before. It just rained and made me quite depressed lying in the dark in my hotel room.

The shows have been going great guns and the festival people look after you so well. Dan Crozier finally got me a phone I could use (it wasn't his job to get me phone but he is awesome) but the phone is all smashed in on the screen and it looks like it was lifted from a rape crime scene. There might be blood splatters on it, BUT it works and that's the main thing.

I have hardly seen hide or hair of Blanket Man the famous Wellington street hobo. Even he got out of the rain. I miss him in a strange way.

The San Francisco Bath House (which isn't a gay sauna) is a wonderful venue and Ziggy and his crew make everyone so welcome and the shows have been selling out good.

Today I did the Kids Comedy Shows and that was a great experience. On Sunday I do one kids show then fly to Auckland and go straight into Diva's Comedy show...so busy life.

My bit in NZ telly at the comedy Gala was awesome, I am so glad they didn't edit the Susan Boyle skit that I did and I will get it uploaded to YouTube as soon as possible. Meanwhile you can see it on Facebook if you are added as my friend!

My Twitter count is going up as well, I gained 100 people in the last week...I am touched.

Missing husband and Ashley and my daddy of course, will tell you all about Auckland when I get there.

2 hours with Mdm Bouraoui

2009-05-08T12:30:00+02:00

Sometimes it takes just a moment to create a memory of a lifetime...and yesternight i did had the chance to build it again, two hours in the french class, with my old mates, i dreamed about many friends surely my main men too Jeddi Nabil(i love dude) this guy is the lonely one i am still in touch with him, and even in my dreams he sit beside me like we ever did in school, i can't talk about Mustapha El Maani without i mention his name...I can forget Yousra Chikeb I can Forget Kbais Amal , but never Forget you So7t :)...but the strange thing in all of this is that the dream was a bit real, i din't get back an old moment and dreamed about it, nop cause when we were on the classroom with the french teacher Madame BOURAOUI(still love you teach...and would love to meet you) every body look old , nowdays age, the dream didn't date to 98, it was just like yesterday...damn i still feel that sensation when hugging all the friends who love me...am just out of words i would love to reunite them again not on the beach or coffe but in the same school and with one of the teachers we had...doing it again, being the students of that teacher...am just out of words...saying noscence phrase, but huh , i just woke up and my idea still not clear i just wanted to writte about my dream...damn if we could only meet

First Night Fun

2009-05-06T00:00:00+02:00

My opening night at Wellington was just bloody great! A huge turnout and a wonderful audience – Ziggy and the guys at San Francisco Bath House are just the best ever!

They really know how to run a comedy gig and we comics appreciate that.

I am glad my first night went good, it really tired me out. As soon as my show was over I went straight to the hotel and was asleep for 9.30pm!

I got some lovely emails this morning from people who were at the show and they mentioned how poignant the ending was, it really is an emotional show at times, but funny none the less. Am glad the Wellingtonians took to it.

The downside is I still DONT have a phone that works, I have been given two mobiles but BOTH need either unlocked or thrown into the ocean for not working well. Does anyone have a cheap pay as you go phone that needs just phone vouchers and can lend it to me until 25th May? Please?

The comedy fest crew down here in Wellington are awesome, they said “Call us and we will get you anything you need”.

I said “can you get me a phone so I can call you for stuff?” How they laughed.

So tonight in NZ the comedy gala is aired and I am hoping I am on it and someone in NZ can record it on DVD for me.

Ok, its early am on the Skype to husband and Ashley and I am off...speak soon.

Yet Another Day

2009-05-04T17:12:00+02:00

Woke up in Auckland, the sun streaming through the heavy curtains and yet another morning on the other end of the world. I love Skype, my wee daddy has been shown how to use it, but what he hasn’t really grasped is the time difference. His conversations are amazing, I do love hearing his voice, it’s just the mad stuff he talks about that drive me nuts and I struggle to chat back at 3am!

“Janey that cat from next door peeped its head round the door and I chased it with a laser pen, that red dot drives it nuts” he shouted loudly down the microphone.

So yesterday morning, with no daddy voice to cheer me up, I boarded a flight to Wellington. How I love this city of Wellington, though I could do without that biting wind. Every single shop, theatre and street sign reminds me of the time Ashley and I came here in 2006.

So, am in Wellington, its awesome and just a wonderful city. The hotel is just perfect and it is had the biggest bath I have ever seen! Can’t wait to go for a swim in that baby!

Last night we all did the First Laughs in the Wellington Opera House. The building is 93 years old and is a proper old theatre, such beauty. The show went well, I over ran my set which is a bad thing but everyone assured me it was ok, but it felt greedy doing that, I just couldn’t see the cue light amongst the 500 other lights on the ceiling.

So we all hoofed it to the after show party at the Good Luck bar which is just a cracking wee bar to hang out in, the downside is I drank gin and wore high heels and danced. Yes, all bad.

This morning in the complete darkness my hotel door got knocked on, then it was opened but the chain stopped it. I leapt out of bed and opened the door up and shouted at this obviously crazy woman “Excuse me, why are you banging on all the doors?”

“I am housekeeping and if you don’t want your room cleaned put the do not disturb sign on please?” she yapped back.

“At this time of the morning?” I screamed at her. I stepped into the hall and to get a better shout at her.

“It’s almost 10am” she spoke back and stared at me. I stood there and threw up my arms and said “really?”...that’s when I heard my door click shut.

I was standing in the hall in my tee shirt and knickers.

“Can you open my door please” I humbly begged.

“Alcohol is a demon” she whispered as she opened my door.

Great, I party one night a year, I drink 3 gins and dance and suddenly I am Courtney Love.

Wellington be gentle with me I am groggy and tired.

Earthquake. Small. Lancaster.

2009-05-01T21:28:00+02:00

PARK HOTEL>>>MORECAMBE>>>LANCS.>>>>>>>

On Tuesday, well I think it was, about 11:20am we had a little earthquake. It was about 3.7 on the Richter scale.
To us it seemed that there had been a collision with a lorry. I didn't see anything move but himdownstairs did and so did my niece in Morecambe.
I know of 2 others which passed me by in years gone by and only knew of them as people asked me if the earth had moved for me!!
Anyway since then the weather has been quite cool. I thought it was getting warmer but I was wrong.

May 1st. Time is flying past for me now.
Son, wife and son have moved into their new home. Bless them, I hope they settle in well. Spent their first night in it last night.

There are jokes going around about the Swine 'Flu already. First symptoms, you come out in a rasher and feel pig sick. That is the first joke, there will be more!

Son just rung from new home... settled in and they have a long weekend to find stuff they have packed. His Missus on call and hopefully might not be too busy.

All the best peeps. x

People and places

2009-05-01T01:33:36+02:00

I had great fun doing a TV interview for Sunrise TV3 New Zealand. They basically put me in the BEST spa in Auckland and sent a camera crew and presenter to conduct the interview during the treatments. All at 7am!

The East Day Spa is by far the best spa I have ever seen in my life! The girls there started doing these awesome massages just as the bloke started asking questions. “So, Janey, what makes you funny?”

I was melting slowly into the soft sofa all tucked up with warm blankets and having chocolate and rose oil painted into my face ...it looked slightly racist but with a good smell. I could hardly speak! All I could do was moan, then we got foot and hand and head massages...I wanted to punch the presenter and lie there to enjoy the relaxing feelings. I have had the worst period of my life and needed the good vibes and therapy, not some TV bloke interrupting me constantly. He was lovely though and I am looking forward to seeing the show on DVD.

Last night we did the 5 star show at Sky City theatre, it was just fab. I did some nice pro- Susan Boyle material and the Kiwi’s loved it, Susan is such a star over here as well and it’s good to have a positive role model for Scotland, even if she is slightly hairy and a wee bit mad! I love her!

Tonight is the BIG GALA show which scared the knickers off me. The lovely Jason Cook gave me a good mobile phone that only needs a sim card, so that will be my mission today to take my mind off the scary Gala.

Chatted to Ashley online and I really, really miss her.

My dad has learnt to Skype and is super excited about it and just keeps pressing the button and waking me up to chat! Although he has learnt Skype he has yet to learn the time difference and I don’t want to tell him off, after all I probably woke him up the whole of 1961 when I was born, so it’s payback time!

This is a rather tame and informative blog, don’t worry the spiteful bile and anger will return.

First night in NZ

2009-04-29T22:59:51+02:00

Ok, the flight from LA first. You all know about the debacle of me getting my finger sliced in a hotel toilet, well that’s all been resolved. The manager emailed me today and has refunded cash to my credit card regards my stay, well done Inn at Venice Beach!

So, the flight from LA. Well, I managed to get three seats together which fit me perfect. The downside was the plane was flooded by the paedophile dream that is an entire cheer leading team. A ‘Squeakle’ (the collective noun for skinny girls in pink Lycia) of these teens all gathered around my seats. It seems they were seated in my special sleepy quiet bit of the plane!

I was busy making my wee seat nest when all I could hear was the girls screeching and chattering, it was like the noise of you make when you rub a piece of damp polystyrene up and down a glass. So, I leaned over my seats and three big blue eyed 13 year old stared back.

“Listen up girls, I am going be lying down for the entire flight, I am due my period and it makes slightly killy, which is stabby but in a Scottish way, so don’t kick the seats, don’t yank on the back of my seats and keep the noise down and we will all make it to NZ”

They stared back and silently nodded. This was going to be an easy night.

I did manage to sleep most of the night and yes, my period did arrive, like a big fanfare of pain and blood. It was so bad I had to get up and wash my pyjamas in the toilet of the aeroplane. I was scrubbing at bloodstains in that tiny wee bowl, life is evil at times. Then I went back to sleep.

Anyway, I finally woke up at 90 minutes to landing. I noticed a long haired young man with smooth lovely skin sitting on the end aisle row across from me.

He chatted and asked me questions about where I was going and where I had come from, and then he told me he was from Mexico. On perfect timing the pilot came on the PA system and said “Ladies and gentlemen just to let you know on landing in NZ we will be boarded by health officials checking for swine flu”.

“Oh, well, you might get to see NZ at some point” I smiled and he made a weary face.

Finally the plane landed and I gathered up my stuff and started off towards immigration. There were people outside the plane who were passengers on our flight in paper masks and TV crews filming them. My body immediately heated up, remember I had a period, my temperature always soars at this time.

Sweat started dripping off my scalp and running down my face. Health officials were watching everyone coming off the plane. I saw the giant twisted snaking queue that was immigration and knew that if I stood there with my hot sweaty period flush I would faint and that would be swine flu hell.

I saw the empty booth ‘for invitation only’ and smartly headed right up that lane. People watched me, the immigration man in the booth watched me. My purposeful walk led me right up there. I gave him my boarding documents and my best smile.

“Do you have an invite to come to this booth?” he snarled. I sweated more.

“listen sir, I waited two hours at the NZ High Commission in London to get a work permit and I paid to come to your country, I have done waiting queues, so I just invited myself”

He stared and smiled slowly.

“What is it you do?” he then asked sharply as he flicked through my passport.

“I am a comedian at your NZ comedy festival” I answered.

“Make me laugh then” he challenged.

“I can’t, I have a big filthy sexual fetish about young men in official blue shirts with Kiwi accents, they make me think dirty thoughts and disable me from being funny” I said.

He stopped staring at my passport, looked at me- and let me through.

Life is good. So it is day Two and I am up out of bed and it is now 5am. I have a TV interview at 6am, with me is a funky spa being grilled about comedy...just hope I stay awake.

How to get over your Foes

2009-04-28T14:28:00+02:00

ya'all have lovers homies friends, but you have foes too, and all of us don't like to meet them, and wont give any chance to our foes to call our name for any reason, we don't like that our enemies know about our weakness...so that's why some how we don't feel comfortable when we cross some one of our enemies in the street, then we feel embarrassed what push us to act stupid, an idiocy that can put us in shameful situations....

But don't worry am gonna give ya some practical steps to follow when ever where ever you cross one of your enemies, it will work for you for sure...it will help you to calm down as it will help you to stand straight against your enemies, even you can be scared but this things will help out to be as strong as you have to be...

First thing ,when your eyes cross your enemy one, then automatically think about something else, you can keep looking at him if you’d like to, but your mind have to fly some where else think about some thing some one you love, take deep breath...

Second one; this is one of the most helpful things. If you have ever cashed your enemy in a bad situation(been beaten by someone, if he was pegging some one to don't hurt him) then start remembering that, it will make you feel more strong then him, to every strong men there is a stronger...so you wouldn't freeze no more.

Smile for him , it wouldn't be a real smile...cause you ain't in a smiling situation, but be sure that this movement will confound him , and will make him think about the things that makes you smile, and he wouldn't be at ease...thinking that you are planning something...

If he came to you then, then check his hand press on it...ask about him his family kids if he got ones...showing an interests from you toward him...he will be confused, and you'll be the one who dominate the situation, so you'll realize that that you ain't scared anymore...

But if you don't got a responding person then you should notice that your enemy is one of those who need to be neglected, so that's why you should be careful with every step you do , and remember you have to keep your eyes on everything, and watch him, cause a foe would never be a friend , cause if he would be a friend he wouldn't be a foe...when ever you are in the hood don't walk in the shadow of confidence...you might be hurt if not from a foe then you'll be hit by a car or touched by a stray bullet...so be careful when you step out home...nowadays things are getting worst , thieves gangs and so on but remember there is kindness too...and don't let your dark side take control of you, help others in the need no matter who, a kid, a young, an old, a men a women...no matter who , cause sooner or later you'll need help too...'Its more noble to forgive, and more manly to despise, than to revenge an Injury. Because revenge belongs only To GOD sob7anaho wa ta3ala 3amma Yoshrekoan...

PS: I don't have foes but when ever am out am watching my back, my both sides...

The Intriguing Inn

2009-04-28T02:30:24+02:00

The Inn at Venice Beach has been intriguing indeed. The staff were always helpful...until today. I had to check out at midday and my cab to the airport isn’t until 7pm tonight, so I had a walk on the beach and bumble about in the sand.

I came back to the hotel and asked the new receptionist if there was a spare room in which to have a shower as I am soon to embark on a long haul flight to NZ. She quickly told me "no, you will have to go down the street and find maybe a gym that will let you have a shower". I balked at that idea. "do you have a toilet?" I asked.

She grudgingly got me a hand towel and pointed towards the staff loo. The sink had a big circular crack in it, and as I tried to wipe the sandy residue off it, my finger got sliced on the sharp edge of the ceramic break. Blood spurted everywhere. I came out - explained why I was bleeding and asked for a band aid. "We are all out of them the first aid kit is empty, if you go down the street the corner store sells band aids" she explained.

"Isn’t against the law to have an empty first aid kit ma'am?" I asked. She stared.

"Can you get me my luggage as I think I have a band aid in that?" I asked her.

"It looks heavy can you come and get it yourself?" she answered.

I struggled with a bleeding finger and bloodied cloth and my luggage.

Then I spotted the lovely Spanish room maid and asked her "do you know where I can get a band aid?" the blood seeped through the small white face cloth. The maid got me a band aid and the receptionist asked me "can you please throw that towel away, it has your blood it and I am legally not allowed to touch your blood"

"I think legally you should have provided me with a band aid after your sink sliced my finger, I may sue, and yes I will get the towel in the bin thanks" I uttered.

So I finally got cleaned up and I not only will post this to my blog but I will post it to the survey that the Inn on Venice Beach asked me to fill in this morning.

I am about to get on the flight to NZ and will no doubt talk when I get there.

My Tits got felt

2009-04-23T00:50:18+02:00

A great title I know but it’s not erotic. I forgot to tell you all this when I was in London. I was pondering a new bra at a shop in Kensington that caters for women with breasts the size of small inflatable dinghies, and I spotted a good bra. I picked it up and went into try it on. Just as I got my baps out and attempted to get the big babies under control a wee women threw the curtain back and said

“Right, so let’s see if this will be a good fit”

I wasn’t that worried, I have had an Australian doctor pull a whole baby out of my vagina with two big salad tongs or forceps, I am over shame and shyness, but this woman had wiry steel wool hair and was wearing K Skips shoes and jeans with an elasticated waist and that was what scared me. I am not suggesting she was a lesbian, or a sexual deviant, that wouldn’t bother me either I once spent a night in a prison cell with a girl who was gay and whacked men’s cocks with a spatula I know this coz she told me that, what worried me was this woman was juggling my over sized tits and looked like she was trying to catch giant jellies from the sky in her hands.

She wasn’t capable of doing the job was my issue, that and the fact I didn’t ask for a woman wearing acrylic handing my tenders.

She then finally got the hang of me.

She then showed me how to ‘lower’ myself into the bra from the front and not drag it up my body, she then showed me how to arrange my nipples for comfort, and it was quite interesting. It was when she started rearranging my nipples through the material, I got worried.

“I think I can manage” I spoke briskly. She left in a hurry and swished the curtain fast behind her. The bra fitted ok, once I got my juggly bunnies into it. I went to pay for the bra and said “can you tell the woman fitter in the lemon jumper my bra fitted ok and thanks for her help”

The till assistant looked at me and said “We don’t have any bra fitters on today, who are you talking about?”

I left the shop and realised that I was touched up by a frizzy haired woman who happened to be in the bra fitting section, is that sexual assault?

I don’t know but she did give me some good advice, despite being crap at handing my boobs.

Anyway back to today, I met up with John Smeaton; you may recall he was the bloke who kicked the airport attackers in Glasgow’s only Taliban attack at the Glasgow Airport in 2007! Well realistically speaking the guys were actually two local doctors from the general hospital who were shite at terrorism and ended up with their hair on fire and dying, anyway John Smeaton was the accidental hero and is my mate.

We had a good old natter, both of us have stopped smoking and we are going to Kelly Cooper Barr’s Style night at 29 in Glasgow tomorrow. We caught up and had coffee and spoke about John’s upcoming nuptials. He is getting married in July!

John walked me to Fraser’s department store and headed off, he will have enough time to shop when he becomes a husband, and the poor fucker doesn’t need to suffer me shopping as a practise run. I need to get some decent flat shoes as I am to Los Angeles this weekend and then onto New Zealand on Monday to do the NZ Comedy Festival, I am excited and can’t wait!

Husband cant wait to see the back of me either I imagine, we just spent three weeks together in London and he is quite fed up of my annoying face and voice.

I will no doubt let you know how the fashion and style night goes with John.

Susan Boyle

2009-04-18T18:45:00+02:00

Susan Boyle from Scotland has become a sensation on the web and in the media. She was the rather chubby, dowdily dressed woman who walked on stage at Britain’s Got Talent on TV last week. The audience were shown on TV looking horrified and appeared to be mocking and giggling at Susan as she explained her singing dream.

Though the minute her voice rose throughout the theatre the audience and judges were visibly stunned, she sings like an angel.

Susan lives with her cat in West Lothian. She is single and rather than looking ‘unkempt’ and ‘bushy haired’ I think Susan looked really confident and walked onstage with ease! She bantered with the judges, ignored the nasty sneers from the hip young crowd and belted out a great song.

Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore tweeted about her and her YouTube video is getting over 25 million hits and counting!

This is a woman who doesn’t bother with upper lip waxing, hair serum or fashion advice, this is a Scottish woman who does charity work, plays with her cat, eats cake on telly and sings better than Madonna and doesn’t have to starve herself and body pump her loins to get an audiences respect. She has talent and she is openly honest about her wee Scottish life and I love her!

I hope she wins the competition and I hope she gets a record deal and doesn’t change who she is. The last thing we want is Susan done up like a ‘Haddy Supper’ scrubbed, brushed and flashed up by some skinny make-over bitch.

My other deep concern is that Susan is really naïve and lives in a tiny wee village with a wee village mentality. Reading about her and watching news interviews it seems her back story is that she was bullied and laughed at as a child. Some folk have hinted that she has mild learning difficulties – which in actual fact could be translated as dyslexia mixed with social awkwardness but in small rural Scotland that would be decided as ‘special needs’ especially back in the 60s when Susan was a child.

In a media circus that is driven by the young and beautiful, it goes to show that a rather tufty woman with enormous talent can overcome all prejudices.

They slinky, young and extremely hip will never have the singing pipes that Susan possesses and has been keeping quiet about in Broxburn all these years! Good on her!

Either way she needs protecting from the media and gently eased into her new life. I was appalled to hear that Russell Brand (media whore who would sell his foreskin for attention) has announced he will have sex with Susan the Virgin. All this done in his inimitable multi- syllable style and made to look like he would be doing her a favour. I was always a big fan of Russell and defended him during the Sachs-a-phone scandal of late, but that just makes me feel ill.

The thing is, Susan said she had never been kissed, that doesn’t necessarily make her a virgin, in Scotland men will have sex without kissing! (Ok that was a wee joke)…either way her personal life needs protecting. Brand’s slimy boasts annoy me.

And that’s why I worry about her.

I hope they don’t change her, I hope Susan enjoys her moment in the sun and I hope we all get to hear her lovely voice pretty soon.